Sunday, 2 November 2008

housey

The house we're staying in is simply gorgeous. Its an old cottage that has had modern refurb but unusually its maintained a lot of the old character of the cottage.

Its literally MILES away from anywhere else and I really really like that about it. It has a feeling of stillness, of peace that I barely even recognise anymore.

So after a solid nights kip at the b n b we went downstaris to breakfast where we helped ourselves to yoghurt and toast. The lady asked if we wanted porridge and, as we're in scotland it feels like one of things you should really do.

The porridge was delicious, gloupy, warm and statisfying, after we'd had that and were feeling pleasantly full she asked what we'd like for our 'cooked' portion of the breakfast!!

Em and I rolled out of the dining room, not beliveiung that the whole b n b experience had cost us less than £60!! Oh and a piece of cake we brought from Wales as a gift for the hosts.

Then, suitably fattened we went to Loch an Eilein and walked around its banks for a couple of miles to try and ward off the fatty affects of 'the full scottish'. The leaves had started to turn and it reminded me intensly of New England during fall. Its another beautiful part of the world that I've been lucky enough to visit.

From there we went to the Caingorm ski resort with acres and acres of actual, honest to godness snow! Woot!
Then we picked up some supplies back in Aviemore and then came to the cottage Which has this lovely writing desk which I'm typing at now.

Just had sausage anbd mash for dinner and starting on a pint of 'Tradewinds' from the same brewery!

Had a wonderful day and I have a solid feeling its going to continue for the rest of the week.

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Storms a'coming

Snowday!

Loch an Eilein

Scotland day 1

Woke up early, (no surprises there then) and went for a walk to see the most gorgeous sunrise I've seen in a long long while. Aviemore sits nestled in the middle of cairngorms and which ever way you turn here you can't help but see a mountain!

For someone who grew up with our friendly welsh mountains its almost like being in a bigger version of home. If that makes any sense.

I found out why that pint of Stag was so fantastic, it because its brewed less than a mile away in the cairngorm brewery which I passed on my travels. As I've mentioned previously theres nothing I like more than getting out early and feeling the world spin and wake beneath my feet.

This feels very much like a tourist town which is all well and good but I'm looking forward to getting some real local colour and action.

Laters.

Friday, 31 October 2008

roadtrippin'

So Scotland then. road trips are wonderfull magical experiences. But trying to descibe them in mere words is like tapdancing about architecture. It just doesn't work.

Em and I set off at 8 of the clock this morning and arrived in Aviemore at about 5-ish. The intervening time was taken up with Kirsty Maccall, hamburgers, Jimmy eat World and terrifying yet exilreating travel.

We found the nicest B n B in Aviemore and went to the three good pubs in town. In order they are;

The Winking Owl
The Old bridge
The Caingorms Hotel

All served good real ale (plus other 'false' beers) but the atmosphere has to count for a lot when you are away from home, and the Hotel had such a welcoming warm vibe and a fantasic pint of 'Stag' that it was far and away the winner!

Got a long week of hard-core relaxation and mountain walking to come. Can't bloody wait!!

Laters.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

The casino

There are many weird things that seem to be unique to casinos. people with very expensive accents and really cheap shoes. people that are sitting at a particular machine when you walk in and still sitting there when you walk out 6 hours later and people that express no emotion whether they win or lose pounds or hundreds.

it was the second part of Wes's stag do and we went to the largest casino in London which was actually really nicely decored and turned out. We had a table in the resturant and ate delicious food before hitting the casino floor.

BTW, if you're a rural lad in the country asking 13 lads to throw up gang signs for a photo is hilarious. In a central london casino at 10PM surrounded by people it could be considered rather stupid.

I got 12 warning glares and the off duty policeman on the stag do pointed out the folly of my idea.

Whoops.

Anyways we got a tour of the Casino and the hostess explained the varity of strange and weird ways we could hand over our cash to them. The poker tournment had been our major factor in coming to play. Wez is rather good at poker and so e flet he might want to take a shot at competing on a bigger stage than jujst against a couple of his friends.

However as the minimum buy in for the poker games on offer were forty pounds and thats per hand not per total game we dicided digression was the bettr part of valour and played other games instead.
roulette for a bit and came out about even. then after a few drinks I went back and won in the geekiest way possible.

I was playing the odd/even red/black part of the system and thought I'd have a quick punt on red 5 for a quid, sure enough 'Red five, Standing by'
won me a considerable amount of money.

And thats when I cashed out.

I am under no illusions about who wins overall in those places. Put it like this, how could they aford to stay open if more people won than lost?

So they're relying on my reptilian hindbrain to overwhelm good sense and reason and think 'Im on a role! I can win massivly!' and plough all my hard earned cash into winning more. Soon I'd be 90 quid down not up and feeling like a right gimp.

So I cashed out quicker than you can say coward! and I played the much cheaper roulette spending a fiver and winnibg back about 15 pounds.

So in conclusion a great great night, but I would never suggest a trip to a casino as a thing to do with a group of friends or, god forbid, on my own. but if people were going I may well tag along.

Thinking about it the number of people that were there on their own was rather depressing. here we were on a saturday night and the only thing these people could think to do was to come here in the deluded belief they were better than the system.

please note: I do understand that poker is slightly different in that you can win money consistently if you are good enough.

Also this was typed using the new keyboard which works better than I could have dreamed. it makes things so much easier to get long strings of thoughts down. without the thumb rsi that I used to suffer from.

I think its gooing to be a real boon to any future traveling as it folds down to about the size of a small paperback and is fairly sturdy, so far anyway!!

Monday, 27 October 2008

arch of marble.(pretty small)

London? Is that you?

central london? At 12.05pm on a monday?

Regents park and the roads surrounding it are a revalation. Peaceful and quiet. Heaven.

Addendum

The bench where i wrote that last post was right in front of the house where both George Bernard Shaw and Virgina Woolfe lived. No wonder I was so inspired!

London town return.

Current enjoying the sunshine in Fitzroy square which is just by the BT tower but is comfortably tranquil and quiet.

Had a great mornings urban ramble, got off the gravesend train at charing cross and sat on the wall of the national gallery munching a sausage butty and looking over Leister square. I had planned to go in and look at the paintings but thats wet weather work and today feels like a warm spring day!

People who come to Britain are often surprised by how much we disscuss it. But when its this variable is it any wonder?

So I decided to just have a stroll and see where my feet took me. Down shaftsbury avenue, and across the theatre district I wandered lonely as a... Well not lonely at all actually. Just enjoying my own company. I ended up on totnam court road, a place i was planning on coming this afternoon but no need to now!

I was after a foldable bluetooth keyboard to purchase with my casino winnings (more on that later). Its to use with this phone because after 200 words or so the thumb gets a bit tired. Espically as i consider pre-emptive text to be the work of the devil. The Devil, I say!

Anyways, the first 8 or 9 shops i went into looked at me like i asked for a litre of gibbon vomit with a side of panda adenoids. However the last shop had EXACTLY the keyboard i wanted and ... Well i'd love to tell you that im typing on it right now but im afraid drivers need to be installed, protocols established and all the other arcane voodoo rituals completed before that happens. So my thumb is taking a battering instead!

Right the suns moved so im in the shade my stomach is complaining that a single sausage butty is not a complete days food and ive got about another four hours in our nations capital.

Time to put them to good use!

Tower of glass.

Notes from the city

Saturday, 25 October 2008

The Northfleet Massive.

Suit up!

ITS ON!

Quote of the day

IRRITATING CHAV"I didnt know Batman smoked!"

SUPERMAN : "That's Robin you twat."

Rorsachs dont dance.

Rorsach

theme parks

Are not fun places to be when you're a misanthrope with a hang over. Their saving grace is their rides which in thorpe parks case are excellent.
Unfortunatly my stomache is killing me. So thats out then. Couldnt be happier to be here for Wez's stag do. I just wish there were fewer people. 90% of people have fun with the fact we're dressed as superheros. The other 10% can quite frankly fornicate themselves in a northeasterly direction.

it begins.

the 'before' picture.

Friday, 24 October 2008

WTF

pub?

pub

Same pub, later.

Pub 4!

Damn my no-hair!

Pub 3! Jack the Rippers old haunt!

pub?

Maybe here?

Is there a pub here?

pub 1

pub 2

is it a pub?

Most of my early fiction (and by early i mean too embrassing to show you) begins with the lead character arriving in an unfamilar city. Often in my mind this place was euston. It's the first place you see if u take the train down to london and the impression it made on my 7 year old mind was monumental and lasting.

Its a bustling hub of a place a mini-Grand Central or micro Gare de Nore. It always fascinated seven year old me.

Who were all these people? Where were they going? Why were they going? What were their stories?

It coloured my viewpoint of beginnings for years. I mention this as I am fast approaching London for what promises to be a truly memorable weekend. The beginning of my adventure as it were. Today i am meeting a couple of old friends i havent seen since my wedding for a sight seeing pub crawl of London town. See a sight, have a pint, is how the theory goes, how it works in practice remains to be seen!

Then tomorrow its my future brother in-laws stag do. A visit to a theme park whilst dressed as super heros followed by... Well, its a secret at the moment but i will update once the feline is well and truly de-bagged.

Drinking on a friday daytime with an old friend or two, these are days to treasure!

Sunday, 12 October 2008

dawn + coffee = totally worth it.

Events and happenstance.

Morning!

Yes, it is that damn early.

I believe I've told you of my inability to lie in. well its got worse. 5AM on a sunday is not the time to be getting up unless you're a baker or a priest. Payroll Officers don't need to be rising from their warm bed because they'd rather do anything rather than lie there.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine on Friday night. We were all hitting the bright lights of Llandudno for his leaving do from work and someone decided it would be an excellent idea if we all enjoyed a mojito together. One mojito turned to four and the conversation turned to our slumber habits in one of those weird conversational hairpin bends. Anyway I digress. The main reason, he said, for staying in bed was exactly the opposite of mine, He couldn't think of anything to do if he where to get up.

This attitude, whilst understandable, is totally alien to my nature. Whilst lying in bed this morning I could think of precisely nine very tempting things to do with my time rather than lie in bed and feel the world spin beneath me.

1) Bake some more bread
2) watch any number of DVDs I've got stored up.
3) start the new Iain M Banks book I bought for the scotland trip (I nixed that one as there seems a certain accuracy of thought reading a new Iain M Banks book in Scotland beside a roaring fire with a glass of something single and malty)
4) Replay Tomb Raider Anniversary, A remake of an excellent game done with deft touches and nods to one of my favorite games of all time, Tomb Raider - Legend.
5) Dig out the flute and have a quiet blow along to the old Jurrasic 5 LP - Power in Numbers they use a lot of live flutes as the backing track to their raps and I love playing along. Quitley mind you I do know its 6 in the morning.
6) Watch the Season 5 Red Dwarf marathon I taped last night. However I should really save that for when my sister comes to stay. She can quote most episods word for word and once had a Red Dwarf off with one of my best mates. For hours they tested each other (quite Scary) knowledge of the episodes and seasons leaving the rest of us stunned and not a little bemused.
7) read the next Sherlock Holmes story in the complete collection I was bought by my Dad when I was younger. Its amazing how much stuff still stays with you. I didn't appreciate the brilliant work of Arthur Conan Doyle when I was 12 though, just the stories. But it is truly wonderful work. I'm wary of the new Sherlock Holmes Movie starring Mr Robert Downey Junior as the titular detective though. It could be great or a total disaster. With Guy Ritchie directing and Jude Law as Watson. Jude Fff-ing Law? Not that I dislike Law its just my favorite Watson was always Nigel Bruce, the bumbling good natured fellow alway following Basil Rathbone about!
8) Go for a walk down to the beach and watch the Sun come up over the ocean with a cup of coffee. Which I still might do. Its very life affirming. Actually as it'll be 7:39 sunrise today. I might just give that a go.
9) Write the next switch, which is what I eventually decided upon once I've finished this blog post.

So with all this fascinating, involving stuff to do with my time off why people would choose to spend time in bed doing nothing is beyond me. I've always been like this though, easily excitable and enthusiastic.

So Friday night was a resounding success although I would recommend staying away from sambuca in future. especially when you've got a bellyfull of mojitos. I've always believed in the bonding power of getting drunk with workmates. It forges bonds that are very hard to break and builds trust and confidence in each other. Screw that wilderness falling back into each others arms crap. Give me a night out in a bustling city with good night life and lots of drinks. Job done.

Yesterday was spent moping on the couch watching Mo better Blues, City of God and rugby highlights, going outside purely for a burger for lunch and a chinese for dinner. Awesome.

Today is Jasmines Christening and I'm really pleased to be going. She's an absolutely lovely baby and its been great to see how much her mum and dad have blossomed after becoming parents. And here she is as a tiny tiny baby. Awwwww.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

sale away

So, Sale away them. The Sale fans have always been up for the rugby chat in general and whilst they may support their team it doesnt blind their viewpoint.

Today proved no exception with articulate, passionate fans on both sides enjoying the banter and celebrating the game.

We sneaked it by a single point in a game that could have gone either way.

Andy and i grabbed a train at 11 from rhyl and got to stockport in time for lunch 1 and pint 1 at the Nelson. We headed for 'The Armoury' for pint 2 scene of previous carnage away. Then the game, well tempered, close matched and ultimatly Cardiffs. A re-return to the Armoury and then back on the hottest train of all time! Seriously. It was the black hole of calcutta, on wheels!

And now im back in Rhyl in my favourite metal/rock pub to find the major barman off and the Westlife loving barmaid programing the jukebox!

I'm choking on Bland!

Send riffs!

If you loved me you'd send metal guitars and octave shredding Valkryes!

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Tribes.


My high school was a very easy place to become lost in. Being your own person at that age leads to mockery and stone throwing. At that stage in life it's easiest to find a gang or group, or as the current parlance has it "tribe". You make yourself fit in by standing out. By dressing the same, having the same kind of hair styles and most importantly listening to the same kind of music.

It's always been this way I think, you were either a mod or a rocker, a greaser or a preppy an Emo or a goth. Back in caveman times you could probably be a mammoth or a Bear.

It's how we set a place for ourselves in society, how we define who we are.

When I was at school there were only two groups you could join. The first were the fashionable clothes wearing Ravers, and this was prepolished club Dance music which was, to give it its due, unlistenable shit without drugs. That was never going to suit me. I couldn't afford the clothes, I don't take drugs and the music didn't connect with me at all. All bleepy and cheesy and uninvolving. little did I know that most of the popular modern dance music would just be recycled eighties songs over a crap dance beat. I think I actually look back on that time now with a touch of nostalgia

So I joined the other 'gang'. The metal heads. We definitely weren't cool. but the idea was we weren't trying to be. The music was awesome for me. All that power and aggression, the inner oh-so-trite teenage rage I was unable to express came through in the music and it was something I felt I could relate to. Oh the inner turmoil of being a moderately intelligent successful middle child of a happily married (at the time) couple who were fairly well off. Can nobody understand my pain?

I'm actually embarrassed now to think I thought my angst was raw and painful and could only be soothed by crunching riffs and anguished vocals.

I never got the hair thing though. It will come as a surprise to no-one, now I'm a slap head, that my hair was totally unmanageable. I tried to grow it into a proud lions mane, just like I'd seen on the back of all these albums. Graceful locks of blond and black, silky tresses falling almost to the waists of these metal behemoths. However it just ended up growing out and up not down giving me a bizzare top heavy white afro. Quite frankly I looked like one of the toadstool heads from the Mario games. Not a pretty sight. However I was still accepted as part of the clique and we used to just hang out, listen to music (Slayer, Queensryche, Pantera, Faith no More and the mighty mighty Metallica) and do some role playing. (Oh yeah, I was a chick magnet. I used to have to beat them off with a stick.)

Metal is something I grew up with and to be honest, grew out of. By the time sixth form hit (I would be about 16) Rave was dying and it was all about Indie bands (Shed Seven, Ocean Colour Scene, Early Oasis, Menswear). I had begun to suspect that metal was a little bit silly even before corpse paint came in. So I cut my stupid mop of hair and discovered girls, clubbing and music that wasn't played at breakneck speed .

Now there's very little modern metal I listen to but Metallica were always there and I've continued to buy their more 'experimental' albums until "Death Magnetic" dropped through the door this morning. And it took me right back to my teenage years because it sounds like "...and justice for all Part 2" Its got the speed of St anger without the retarded lyrics and $5 drumkit. Its a piece of metal genius and I solidly recommend it for anyone who may have let Lars James et al fall out of favour in recent years.

Now I'm older, lets face it we all are, I'm much more comfortable being myself and not having to buy in to an entire lifestyle just to fit in. I can occasionally listen to metal, but it doesn't preclude me from listening to other stuff. and I won't be growing my hair again anytime soon. Not until they develop a cure for male pattern baldness at any rate!

Sunday, 7 September 2008

sunday afternoons suck


So, while I'm trying to work through some narrative problems I've got I thought I'd better get the old fingers a-tapping with an update. Thats right, Not dead yet. Just fueled up on pent up rage and a really bad bottle of grappa someone once bought me as a joke. 

"Duke, " He said " This'll stop your drinking problem."

"Nat, this time you have actually lost what little mind you had?" I replied to the grinning fool " How's buying a man a bottle of booze going to help his drinking problem?"

"Well," Says he, taking a slug off of his bottle of Miller highlife" When you've drunk the cupboard almost dry at home on a tuesday night sitting alone in your darkened apartment, wearing just your pants.. When that happens and you look into what's been left till last, when you see this here cheap bottle of awful, awful booze, you'll see this and think 'Well thats me on the wagon because there's no Goddamn way I'm drinking that shit!"


Funny. I've had that bottle for about 5 years now.  I bring it out at parties to show to people and say 'When you see this bottles open its time to run for the hills.' It took Palin's nomination before I finally cranked it open and forced half the bottle down my protesting neck. When the world gone to complete shit in front of your eyes and you've already let it, that's the time to try anything to blot out what's left of the world.

Palin is dangerous. Palin is a publicity stunt. Palin is a clever move by a party with their backs up against the wall and they can hear the oncoming freight train that is the Obama campaign. 

Palin is their shot at gaining the McCain campaign some seriously needed publicity, she works for the party on so many levels.

1) being a woman they feel women can relate to her.

2) being a Hot woman they can appeal to the redneck bastards who've never looked a pretty woman in the eyes. 

Its turned the Presidential dog and pony show into a fashion parade. Guys have it easy when it comes to sartorial elegance. The most difficult question we have to ask ourselves is 'What colour tie do I need to wear today?'. In the coming months countless rainforests worth of paper are going to be wasted on her choice of shoes for Christs' sake. 

Her policies worry me as well. Lets not even talk about her poor daughter. Its a family issue and should have no bearing on anything. Have you tried to talk to teenagers recently? Its like they've just got off the boat from mars. Lets just be grateful the baby isn't already hooked on crack. 

They could have brought out a faceless no-body. A old man candidate, a grey suit who only the people in the know knew and we wouldn't have given a shit. Palin has injected vibrancy into a campaign that was bleeding momentum like jam out of a doughnut (I think the munchies have kicked in )

I'm not trying to say a woman shouldn't be VP or even President but seriously? Thats the best woman the republican party can find?  What kind of skeletons must the other serious female contenders have in their closets? 

Oh and if they win wait for Palin to go from MILF to WTF in about 6 nanoseconds. Look at photos of Blair just before he got in to just after he got in. He was a comparable age to Palin at the time. Something about politics at the highest level just sucks the vitality and fight out of you. Maybe its because you realise that when you're in charge you're not really in charge at all. There are a thousand people that put you in office and each one of them wants a piece of you. And when the shylocks have had their share of your soul there's not much left to take home at night. 


So thats why I'm here, because how ever fantastical my fiction, however fucked up and doomed I make the human race, we'll just find new real ways of making it worse for ourselves. 

Monday, 25 August 2008

bank holiday weekend

Had an excellent holiday of the bank. Friday night was a trip to Geekland. Population, we nerds. Call of duty 4 and Mass Effect were highlights as was pizza.

sat we headed into snowdonia set up camp and then started to walk in pleasant weather. A moderate rain and wind sprang up and we decided to shelter in the nearest pub and wait for it to pass.

Five hours later and it could be officially classed as a storm. Not that we minded by that point having had a window seat in the pub for all that time.

Saturday night under canvas was an experience. The wind howled and the rain lashed down shaking our flimsy nylon home. The morning brought mud and sausage butties although not the two together!

then em and i stayed at a friends house sunday night for dinner and whisky! Awesome.

Friday, 22 August 2008

friday nights

so, friday night. a large amount of beer a small amount of pizza and a libarel sprinkling of xbox 360 action. Thats what happy friday nights are made of.

typing this on a Eee PC which is tiny and yet works pretty well the keyboard takes a bit of getting used to but it seems to be working quite well. needs a bigger delete button but its really rather good!

saturday I'm campin and sunday we're away so I'll try and update at some point where I haven't got a beer buzz on!

laters

Bobert

Friday, 15 August 2008

One should always try and avoid shouting the F word at work. Its very disconcerting for ones colleagues who consider you a polite young man.

Also, why do the streets of Conwy smell of turds today?

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Around my work and home life and there simply isnt time! The great irony is the more you do, the less time there is to write about it!

Work has been a world of new stresses leaving me black and blue mentally at the weekend.

Maybe the reason people seem less creative when they get older is simply the lack of time to be creative? Im having to update the blog

weird

There can be few more uncomfortable sights than two people you vaugly know from work exiting a store cupboard together, looking hot and flushed.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008















Did you ever find yourself wondering "what would Rob look like as a sixteenth century fop?"

Well wonder no longer! Gaze in awe!

It was Eds Barbecue of course the annual event where we all get together and put on ridiculously elaborate costumes, or ones you knocked up for a couple of quid if you're me. 

Thats my sisters 'posion Ivy' wig and she looked much better in it than I.

Photos on the left there. clickety click

Saturday, 26 July 2008

Its one of those days that dawns with promise in the air and the faint glimmer of oppourtunity on the horizon. It feels like, today, anything is possible and for once it probably is.

Im on the beach which is less than a mile from home that i only visit when i know i'll have it to myself. Theres nothing more depressing than seeing the unwashed hordes tarnishing my beach.

Eds annual BBQ today. And its going to be Awesome(as usual)

Monday, 14 July 2008

dodgy days and old friends

Had 2 of the worst days in work friday and today. I know they say its good to get out of your comfort zone once in a while but i've been operating in what would be considered out of the Marqui de Sades comfort zone.

Not anything in particular, just awkward uncomfortable and panic inducing. And the strike shedualed for wed/thurs isnt going to help. Oh well. Ive had 9mnths of a hard but rewarding job i suppose im overdue some crappy days.
In my previous job id have at least one a mnth so i shouldnt really complain.

Had a good weekend catching up with some old school friends that live in chester. Its hard to belive its been over a decade since we all went to school together. We have the same jokes, stories and bonds that we shared all those years ago and its been a privilege to know them.

Got the bits for my costume together just need to spend a couple of hours glueing and sewing.

No, i wont tell you what it is!

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Switch Three

In the grey industrial depths of the city, in a drab corner of a forgotten warehouse, something not completely human stirred.


Kein blinked. His soaring high was starting to fade, the ecstasy in his arm mellowing to a throbbing pulse that he knew would soon bring the pain again. He flexed the new hand, still marvelling at the chrome skin. He could feel the power the surgical procedure had given him flowing through the limb into the rest of his body. As he admired his glistening prize, he caught his reflection in the silvery palm, bringing him up short.

A tangle of matted wires hung out of the crown of his head, each one leading to a gently sparking end. One eye burned like a white hot inferno whilst the other stared back, blackened and dead. The skin was a patchwork of bright metal, dull plastic and greying flesh. His nose had been replaced with a metallic pressure valve and every tungsten tooth in his mouth had a tan ceramic neighbour. His augmented jaw could bite clean through metal but his stomach could not yet process it. Maybe that would be the next purification he should undergo. He smiled and sparked his teeth together producing a grinding sound. In Kein's head it played like a melody, a siren song of change and escape.

The hand had been surgically attached three days ago but the transplant buzz was already beginning to wear off. When the Reverend had explained his purpose to him all those months ago, the pleasure had lasted for weeks at a time. Changing small parts, something no-one would notice, a patch of skin on his flank, a toe. The knowledge that he had changed and no-one could see it was heaven to him, keeping him warm and contented for a month or two before he had to change again.

Now it was only a matter of days before he needed the fix and hiding it had become more and more difficult, until he didn't care anymore. He'd proudly display his latest modification, the sharp thrill of secret knowledge changing to the sledgehammer blow of confrontation. Walking down the street now, people would stare at him in disgust or avert their gaze. Some would hurl abuse at this self made monster.

He was too important to care about those people now for he was the Messiah. Hadn't his God told him so?

But change cost money and with each procedure becoming more and more extreme, the cost was rising sharply. Kein was out of cash but he needed the next fix, the next change, and he knew somewhere that always had money...


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I had decided not to mention the neural nets at Carterhouse to anyone. Looking back, I realise it was the one decision that could have prevented the terrible events that were to overshadow the entire population several months later. But when it comes to hindsight we all have perfect vision. I made what I thought was the right call at the time.

I thought the computers linked to the mind of every man who'd been at that school posed no threat, provided none of the people wearing the nets saw that one single page in one of the most obscure books ever published. In order not to destroy the reputation of some of the most important people in society I kept quiet.

I can be really, really stupid sometimes.

But that was yet to come. I'd left my wife early this morning sleeping the sleep of an untroubled conscience, a luxury some of us will never know again. I walked the old familiar streets for a few hours feeling the city warming and waking to the caress of the new sun. I met Remy, in a pleasant cafe I knew in the deep recesses of Stepney.

The cafe owner owed me a favour or two from my time tabbing the beat, back when people still got attacked for the colour of their skin. Jules Montague hadn't been in the country long enough to know that a gang of white pond scum rarely want to know the time when they ask for it. The glitter of his gold watch when he reflexively moved his sleeve was all the motivation they needed to attack.

I was walking my beat solo and happened across the four of them standing over the prone Jules. Three of them were using his head like a football the other was going through the suitcase he'd carried all the way from the airport. They turned their attention from the stricken man to the lone copper and grinning, came for me. There are two ways to deal with this.

The law says "Talk to them, talk at them, try to reason with them, calm the situation down.".

The gut says "Fuck 'em. They need to be taught they can't get away with this.".

Four on one were bad odds. They never had a chance.

The first pulled out a small knife that glinted in his hand. A definite mistake. My expanding baton took it out of his grip on the downstroke and snapped his head back on the return. As he collapsed his mate flew at me, leg extended, to try and kick me to the ground. A quick sidestep and a dropped shoulder into his exposed groin had him clutching at his valuables on the ground, crying incoherently.

The other two approached more cautiously, fanning out so I had to step carefully over their fallen comrades. I waited for either one of them to make a move. The shorter one gave in first and threw a punch, I dodged, grabbed his hand and used his own weight to force him to the floor, feeling the bones in his wrist snap and break beneath my gloves.

The fourth turned to run just as Jules flung out an arm and sent him sprawling to the pavement.

I'd put two of them in hospital and the other two in the station and Jules had never forgotten.

He opened a cafe just around he corner from where he'd been 'welcomed' into the neighbourhood, and it was my routine to stop in when I was having a slow morning.

Jules strolled to our table, his dark weather-beaten face broken only by a giant beaming smile.

"There ya go Jim," he said, dropping off a bagel for me and a full breakfast for Remy. "On the house."

I matched his smile with my own. This was a little dance we did for the sake of propriety.

"Can't accept it Jules, that's bribery."

"Bribery? Pah! Can't have you two fighting the forces of darkness on empty stomachs, it wouldn't be right."

He beamed again and swung back to behind the counter, both of us knowing full well I'd leave exact change plus tip on the side plate on my way out.

I was feeling quite at peace with the world and Remy was sitting opposite me waving a fork full of greasy pig products and pontificating on one of his favourite subjects, history.

" ...and that was the point at which they said 'No more' and confined us to Earth until we learn to grow up. Now we have to notify them of every satellite we launch otherwise it just gets vaporised as soon as it hits the ionosphere."

I had heard this story many time before.

Not very long ago man had commanded the solar system, sending ships and men out to Mars and Jupiter. One of our deep range probes had attracted the attention of a race we knew as the Isturi. These beings of pure energy had come to our small cluster of planets and found a semi-evolved race still fighting petty wars, harbouring animalistic instincts and generally behaving like spoilt children.

They were several eons ahead of our technology and light years ahead of us evolutionarily, having moved beyond the need for actual physical form. They appeared as objects of incandescent light too powerful to actually look at.

The Isturis' horror at our bestial savagery soon turned into stewardship. They informed humanity that we would not be allowed to leave the planet until we were worthy of the honour. Once we satisfy them that we will cause no further harm to ourselves or others, we'll be let loose upon the galaxy. They refer to this state of being as Enlightenment. It's hard to argue with beings that can destroy entire cities with a single thought. It was just lucky that they're a peaceful race and didn't decide we were entirely beyond redemption.

Remy was halfway through his second sausage and his theory on why we'd never achieve the Isturi's arbitrary criteria for becoming enlightened when my phone rang.

"Prophet."

"Jim, Its Alan."

My direct supervisor and conduit to the boss.

"Hi Alan, what's up?"

"Drop whatever you're doing and get over to the hospital. We've got another one of your cases, I'll meet you there. Don't take all day, the situation's getting worse."

The phone went dead.

By 'your cases', Alan meant the unusual, strange or just plain bizarre workload I often found myself saddled with. I seemed to be getting a reputation for handling the things no-one else wanted to touch with a barge pole. The more strange stuff I dealt with, the more came my way. It was a feedback loop of oddness that also meant I was really allowed a lot of leeway to handle the heap of crap my own way. The brass generally didn't want to know too much about the freaky problems themselves or how I'd solved them.

"Time to go," I said, slurping what was left of my strong tea.

Remy crammed as much food as he could into his mouth, I dropped twenty bucks on the table and the two of us piled into the car and headed out onto the crowded streets. Jules shot us a wave knowing we would have good reason for leaving abruptly.

London had changed a lot over the years. The occupation and eventual blossoming of England into the 53rd state of America had introduced many changes. Some were good, some were bad but the traffic around London's gnarled streets and alleys would never change. I had heard rumours that initially after the occupation there was a plan to stamp the grid system onto the city in the same way you'd brand a cattle, but the plan never came to fruition. My theory was somebody up high worked out that if you took away the residents main source of complaint they'd soon find something else to bitch about.

As we flashed through USS Constitution Square with the sirens wailing, I was able to cut through most of the traffic. When you had the blues and twos going most drivers would find at least a little extra room to get out of the way. I'd pounded these pavements for so long I knew more about these streets than the cabbies did. Even though the gridlock was pretty bad we eventually wound our way through the stationary traffic and into the London Free Hospital to be met by a heaving mob of people.

Utilizing my police drivers training and a couple of decades of experience, I abandoned the car half on the kerb and we started to push our way through the protesters. I tried to make sense of what they were chanting but it was only once I'd made it through the baying crowd I could see their banners read "Human Rights!" and "Cast out the machine!".

"Just our luck to get caught up in a Ludd demonstration," muttered Remy in my ear.

The Ludds were the latest incarnation of the anti-machine lobby that were convinced we could all go back to subsistence farming and knitting our own yoghurt. Morons. Why they were protesting in front of a hospital I had no idea. Maybe they thought a nice herbal poultice and a round of meditation could cure cancer and all these machines were keeping good honest witch doctors out of work. In their view humanity was being sidelined by technology and the Ludd called for humanity not to be eclipsed by its own creations.

We reached the ring of uniformed officers keeping the baying crowd from destroying the front entrance. Remy grabbed the nearest one, showed his badge and said, "What's all this about?!"

In spite of the pressure of the crowd the uniform grinned. It wasn't often that he knew more than ranking officers. "The DI will fill you in," he shouted over the noise, "He's in the casualty ward."

Alan, or DI Roberts as his ID badge said, was waiting for us at the entrance to the bays. A tall man with a freshly ironed air about him, he was standing in front of one of the privacy curtains for the beds. There was an awful smell emanating from somewhere, even more so than usual for hospitals. A filthy metallic smell.

"Jim, I see you met your welcoming committee out front."

"Alan, what the hell is going on?"

Without further ado DI Roberts whipped the curtain away to reveal a dark mess of machine and body parts. It was as if a car had crashed through a slaughterhouse and was merged by some horrid force into a welded mass of meat and metal. It was only when the head turned towards us that I realised it was or had been human. Fighting back my revulsion I stepped forward.

"My name's Jim Prophet, son," I said, mainly to disguise the noise of Remy being violently sick behind me. "Who did this to you?"

Eyes with no human feeling in them fixed mine while his lips pulled back in what I took to be a smile of pleasure or a rictus of pain displaying rows of uneven metal and ceramic teeth.

"I did this to myself."




I'd heard some stories in my time, but Keins was probably the oddest.

He'd been born normally like you or I but always felt there was something wrong, something clearly alien about himself.

He was told that the alienation he was feeling was all part of growing up, but he knew differently. He couldn't relate to people, to their experiences and he knew that they considered him strange. Drugs hadn't helped. They'd made him much much worse. All that paranoia had boiled over into violence and he'd received a court order to clean up or go to jail.

As part of his rehab Kein started going to a church and ended up a regular at a chapel on Yelena Street called "The Temple of the Transformed Man." The priest there had shown him the simple truth he had been missing for all those years. Improving a small part of oneself every day brought one got closer to God.

To my mind Kein had misunderstood the part about improving yourself. He'd taken it literally and started replacing perfectly decent parts of his body with machine counterparts in an effort to be more holy.

Desperate for cash to pay for another alteration he'd been caught trying to rob a convenience store. Kein had been shot twice before he'd thrown the owner through a solid wall. His augmented strength and the reinforced concrete meant the human basic owner didn't really have a chance.

Tears of pure black ran over Keins mottled cheeks, wiped away by a hand of silver metal, "I didn't want to kill anyone! I just needed the money to change! I just tried to get him out of the way."

The mob outside knew that the shopkeeper had been killed by something other than human and were using it as a platform to incite violence. We always fear that which we don't understand. We put any name to it that we want, racism, fascism, sexism, it all boils down to loathing that which we can't comprehend.

I left the cubicle feeling sick to my stomach but not at the appearance of the being that had used to be a man. A very wise man once said "Religious conviction is the only thing that that can make good men perform evil deeds." Kein clearly had some psychological flaw where he saw everything in need of improvement and change.

Remy, also looking a little green around the gills, was standing in the corner waiting for me. I gave him the short version and we headed out to Yelena Street to see the priest who had started this whole business.

On the way out I grabbed the nearest doctor who was still trying to avoid looking at the half man, half machine, cluttering up his neat clean emergency room.

"Make sure he sees a psychiatrist."

The young man smirked.

"Actually, I was thinking of calling a mechanic."

I'd spent a fair amount of time around doctors and their trademark black humour which they called a 'coping mechanism'. I called it puerile schoolboy wit masked as something deeper.

"Funny. He's suffering from Surgical Addiction and Body Dysmorphic Syndrome."

He shot me a look that spoke a thousand medical volumes.

"Look them up." I said turning on my heel and striding towards the exit.

Remy had the decency of waiting until we were past the entrance and the riled up mob, before asking me what I was on about.

"He's suffering from a mental disease where he sees the flesh as flawed and wants to replace every part of it to make himself more holy."

"More holy?"

"Yep," I replied, "We're going to church."







The frontage of the temple was nondescript and dully painted, only a notice board proclaiming it the 'Temple of the Transformed Man' let you know it wasn't an office building. As we walked into the entrance of the church the small windows let in angled shafts of light that barely penetrated the darkness. There was a heavy smell in the air like burning oil and incense. A background hum droned from every corner which sounded like static, and I realised it was a thousand recorded voices chanting a litany of praises, a mechanised Tibetan prayer wheel eternally cycling. Remy looked around.

"Hello?" he shouted, his voice carrying strangely in the unformed darkness.

The hall lights flashed on, dazzling us, as a clear sharp voice rang out.

"Welcome, stranger! You have come seeking the truth."

The church was deeper than it looked from outside. Dark red carpets led to the pews and then onto an altar of a burnished metal shining in the artificially bright light. A hologram of an android, carefully featureless, shimmered into life in front of us.

"In a manner of speaking," I began,"My name's DI Prophet and this is DI Bouchalant. We're looking for whomever's in charge here."

The lights dimmed slightly, a door to the left of the altar sprang open and the voice called out, "Please step through into my chambers."

We walked into a small spartan space containing nothing but a table and chairs, where a hooded figure was sitting at the table with his face hidden from view. The same metallic voice, now much quieter, asked us to sit.

"My name is Father Xerces. You'll have to excuse my robe gentlemen, but I'm afraid my appearance can be too much for some people."

A single red dot shone out from under the hood but that was all that was visible beneath the dark lip of his robe.

"We're police officers sir. We're used to that kind of thing."

"That's kind, but I'll remain in the shadows if I may. I was in an industrial accident that destroyed the left side of my body and most of my face. I couldn't afford the bills for vat grown replacements so they bolted metal and untarnishable alloys to my skin and bones. In doing so they healed my body and cleansed my soul. I became complete for the first time in my life. In short, I saw God. And this church is my way of worship. Drawing new sheep into the fold."

"So are you the transformed man that this temple is built to?"

He chuckled. A deeply unsettling metallic sound.

"No. I'm not that egotistical. I'm merely trying to show people that transformation can have a wonderful affect on a person. Changing things about yourself that are faulty or bad can lead to enlightenment."

"Enlightenment through mutilation?"

"It's not strictly the physical I am referring to. If you have a bad defect in your psyche wouldn't you try to change it? But yes I believe that the flesh can be tempted. I believe the flesh is weak. Modifying parts of yourself that cause you to sin can only be a good thing if it leads to no further sin."

I'd thought Kein had misunderstood the preaching of this maniac. It turned out he'd been absolutely correct. Xerces wasn't interested in changing attitudes or moral practices, he was talking about gross physical changes, like the one he had been through. It was a total shock, that made me incredulous.

"Do you know a Mr Kein?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Mr Kein, he attends your church here. He's charged with murder."

"Murder? We are peaceful people officer, we just believe in improving ourselves beyond the transience of the flesh. If Mr Kein has committed a crime I am very sorry for it but it has nothing to do with myself or my church."

"He was robbing a store to raise money for another mutilation...".

He interrupted, "It's not a mutilation if it's a sacrament! 'If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into hell.' Matthew 5:29."

I didn't feel like telling him that more people had died because of that book than he could ever hope to save.

"Whilst your rights to believe whatever you want are constitutionally protected, when your particular religious viewpoint harms innocents."

"A murder is always a tragedy. I'm not forcing anyone to do anything. I'm afraid Kein may have an unbalanced mind..."

"May?"

"...but the implication that his unfortunate crime had anything to do with the church or myself is totally incorrect. We are merely practising our peaceful religion as is our right enshrined in law. The law you gentlemen are sworn to uphold. There's no incitement to violence against non-believers in our creed."

He stood up with a heavy creaking sound. I could see his bare right leg was normal human flesh wearing only a sandal but his left was a tangle of wires and a copperish metal.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

The red probing light in his hood had increased in intensity, glaring as if angry although his artificial voice remained measured and calm.

"If we have any further questions Father..."

"Then I will be right here. I have nothing to hide."

"Except your face," I thought, uncharitably.


The lamps had been turned off in the main body of the church. We, as the unenlightened and lacking augmented vision, clearly did not see the light. We staggered out of the oily darkness into the blessed air of the city proper.

I turned to Remy.

"We'll have to come back to see if his peaceful rhetoric changes for a more receptive audience."

He lit one of those foul French cigarettes he was unable to shake and nodded at me.

Remy and I would stand out a mile at one of these meetings but luckily I knew someone who was perfect for fitting in with a machine-loving crowd, or Modders as the Ludds would call them.




"No. No. No. No. No. Not as a favour, not as an assignment, not even as an order, Jim. I simply won't do it."

Delyth was initially reluctant to go undercover to the service. After I explained to her the nature of the query she soon warmed up to the idea. She was intrigued how humans could take technology and turn it into a religion with its own rituals, services and offerings.

That night we returned to the temple, Delyth and I walked into together. She had a halo of tarnished metal floating above her head on repulsors and an artfully decorated dragon tattoo stretched across her bare shoulders and over the left side of her face. I had my own fake facial markings, that of a new Zealand tribe from many centuries before. She assured me that if Father Xerces got another look at me, I'd be unrecognisable from the scruffy detective he met this morning. Black bars and talons covered my cheeks and a large stylised eagle seemed to have settled across my forehead.

Delyth had stencilled the designs on herself using an ink that she assured me would wash off with alcohol. When she'd finished my design she stepped back to take a long look.

"You look..."

"Great? Amazing?" I finished, only half joking.

"Different. In a good way." She smiled and our eyes met and glanced away.

Her wardrobe provided the long leather coats that enveloped the rest of our bodies and completed the look. Who knows what kind of modifications they may be hiding?

We went in alone. Remy was waiting on his own around the corner in a borrowed taxi in case we needed to beat a hasty retreat but I didn't want a van full of officers waiting. Number one this wasn't a bust, we simply didn't have enough for a warrant. This was an information gathering exercise. And number two, if one of these worshippers had a short-wave radio implanted in his skull, he might have picked up chatter from the van itself and tipped our hand.

Hundreds of 'Modders' filed into the church which was lit bright against the dark night, giving it a respectability and impressiveness that it lacked in daylight. The congregation was full of weirdoes but plenty of normal folks were chatting away to the people with bits of metal sticking out of their necks. In our own weird way, we blended right in. The lights dimmed as we took our pew and the service itself began.

I'm not religious but I have attended my share of services. For some their faith lends them a sense of place, poise and purpose. It's a constant source of strength and they seem the taller and the prouder for it. In contrast though a lot of people seemed to attend that particular brand of Christianity where you leave your thinking, self-determination and dignity at the door. Unless they're crying, wailing, and beating their breast they don't feel they're being sufficiently sincere enough.

This service was definitely the latter of the two.

I don't think many traditional Catholic priests are greeted with rapturous applause, but Xerces was as he strode across the stage, robe still very much in place. He stopped at the lectern and threw back his hood in a dramatic gesture. The applause rose into a near orgasmic frenzy of cheering.

His face and body were covered in the burnished copper. Where the flesh was still visible it was partially hidden behind the multicoloured wires powering the machine part of him. A metal mask unevenly split his face in two and where the right side was fair skinned and blond haired the left gazed out of a deep red lens, pulling focus on the crowd. His entire mouth was covered by the mask and from the grill holes at the front he began to preach.

"My brothers and sisters, I stand here before you transformed from the wretched sinner I once was! I have changed in spirit as I have changed in body. I could have cursed God for destroyed my weak flesh, but I praised him for fortifying me with metal and fire! The body is not a temple! It's a monument to imperfection!"

He was alive, he was igniting the passions and the feelings of the freaks and the weirdoes, the underclass. They responded with whoops and yells. Arms, human and otherwise were raised aloft.

However inflammatory it was, it wasn't illegal. It wasn't incitement. We couldn't arrest him for talking passionately about his religion.

The basic tenet was as he had explained to Remy and myself, the flesh is weak and corruptible in a way metal could never be. The major errors of the world could be attributed to human weakness not the failure of our machines.

Just then there was a shattering of glass and a rock sailed through the air, landing in the crowd. Remy shouted in the earpiece I'd forgotten I was wearing, "Jim! The Ludds are here!"

Before I could react the wooden doors crashed open as the main body of the Ludds came piling through. They met the first line of Modders and started laying about them with stakes and clubs. They were a ravening horde buoyed up by their righteous anger. These weren't the placard waving protestors hoping to cause a change. These were the arm and the boot of people who felt so threatened they had to lay about the source of the threat with fist and club.

I should have announced I was a police officer. I should have tried to calm the situation down. But they wouldn't have taken me seriously. They would have wrapped a club around my tattooed face.

I moved into the aisle and intercepted the Ludd leading the charge. He ignored my outstretched arm, his face a mask of unleashed fury and I knew he would pound me into the ground given the chance, my facial tattoos marking me as 'alien', as 'that which is to be destroyed'. I ducked under his initial blow and swung back into his solar plexus knocking him cold.

A white light exploded on the left side of my face and I fell heavily. As I rose again I saw Delyth had taken the club that had hit me and was striking back with white-hot anger.

After that it got really bad.

I can remember punching a Ludd and him collapsing into the knave, whacking his head on the wooden pew. I remember feeling a bond of companionship with the modders fighting along side me, a wave of feeling that makes me sick now to think of it. I lost the thing that makes policemen good: control. I was working more on animal instinct than human thought and right beside me, trading blows and punches, was Delyth. Her position as a tech obviously hadn't completely erased her training, as she drop-kicked another Ludd out of contention and into unconsciousness.

In the middle of the chaos Xerces was laying about him with a stave, his red eye gleaming as he spouted exhortations and encouragements to his flock in a most unpriestly like manner. Its the first time I've seen the clergy urging on violence but for him the Ludds represented all the hate and intolerance of their kind. He was paying it back in spades.

A shout went up and Xerces turned just as a thrown half-brick came arching through the air and caught him clean on the metal side of his face.

There was a resounding bang as the metallic mask flew off, exposing what should have been the hideous scarring and augmental electronics it was meant to hide. Except, there were no scars. There were no electronics. The mask hid nothing except perfect skin and another pale blue eye to match its twin.

Xerces had no damage at all. He was a first stage human, as he had been the day he was born.

He spluttered as the room fell silent all gazing at their leader, the man who told them all the wonders of changing. Of altering their bodies to be closer to his. Closer to the divine.

"It's a miracle!" Xerces shouted in his now very human, very nervous voice "I've been cured...." He hadn't even finished the sentence before the first Modder fist impacted on him. In an instant all the freaks and weirdoes turned on him. The ones he'd encouraged. The ones he'd lied to. They thought he'd been leading by example, but they been duped and they were in the mood for revenge.

I used the confusion to make a move to the back door, dragging Delyth behind me. Amid the crowd Xerces gave an all too human scream that was suddenly ended.

We made it past the swarming Ludds to the car, Remy was already gunning the engine and we squealed away from the scene. I looked behind us and saw the church erupt in flames, lighting the night in every direction. Whether it was set by the Ludds or the betrayed Modders I'll never know.

Remy was so shaken he started talking in his native tongue.

"Vous les branleurs qu'anglais sont fous, je jamais devriez avoir la maison gauche!"

"What?" said Delyth, still shaking from the adrenaline.

"He said we're all crazy and he should have stayed at home." I translated absent-mindedly, lost in my own thoughts.

"I'm inclined to agree with him."

We were silent as Remy drove us homeward, knowing we couldn't tell anyone what had happened in there. It had been an unauthorized operation and as it had all gone south it could become very awkward to explain. Especially as I still had Luddite blood on my knuckles.

Remy dropped us off at Delyths apartment and sped away into the night without a further word.

I walked Delyth up to her place, I wasn't sure quite why.

She unlocked her front door and turned to me.

"You don't have to go home you know," she said, her face betraying the tangled emotions beneath the surface.

"Jennifer will be waiting for me," I said simply, the neutral nature of the statement speaking more than words ever could.

"We could have died in there tonight," she said looking straight at me, seeing right through me, "I would never want to end my life thinking 'What if?'."

Before I could respond she turned and walked through her door, leaving it ajar. An invitation, a welcome, a temptation.

I followed her into to her apartment on autopilot, not really knowing what was going to happen next.


I can be really, really stupid sometimes.

Switch Three

Friday, 4 July 2008

weekend of luxury

At Jane and Wezs for a long weekend. Woke early, talked for ages, drank coffee and watched family guy, justice league and Sunshine before going over to Joan and paulas for chicken deliciousness and the turkey burgers of the gods!! All thats left is beer and boardgames!

Somedays its good to be alive!

ORKNEY SEPT 2023   23/09/2023 When it comes to the best time to visit the remote Islands of Orkney off the north coast of Scotland, most peo...