Saturday, 9 February 2008

As long as we beat the English.......




Morning!

What a great weekend we had last week.

For those unaccustomed to Rugby I have to point out we do not *hate* England. They are the yardstick by which we measure our own level of achievement, they are the team to beat, the Yankees if you will. Some fans take this whole us against the english thing to darn far but for me I want to see a strong powerful England. And then I want to see wales smash them.

So thats was saturday afternoon and we followed our astounding victory with a pub crawl around Denbigh which was actually great fun, some nice pubs there, some not so nice ones but thats to be expected! Sunday I sat up with a friend and watched the Superbowl whilst he explained the intricasies of the NFL to me. Its actually a very interesting game blending power and skill in equal measure. I think a lot of people are put of by 'stoppages' but really there aren't that many. I really enjoyed the game and the fact is was won in the last minute of time with and incredible display of skill also helps!

Monday was a recovery day and then on tuesday I scored at five aside! I should point out I play way way back in defence and in three years of playing I've taken about two or three strikes on goal and this one went in. I couldn't actually belive it in fact I may have been a little embarassing! whoops.

Anyway I had to celebrate somehow.

Wednesday saw Cloverfield at the cinema, I can't reccomend it enough. its a superbly thought out and well made movie but may induce motion sickness in those prone to it.

Thursday played some of the best badminton of my life and then played like crap last night but thats okay. Because today is Wales v Scotland both teams with something to prove and it should be a good match up!

Laters!

Saturday, 2 February 2008

Remember me?


Morning.

Been a really quiet couple of weeks. I actually managed to bore myself the other day whilst speaking and that cannot be a good thing. I've kinda realized that my life has become quiet and nondescript. And do you know what? I LOVE IT.

Domesticity has been so good for me. it helps, Of course, if you marry an angel like what I did!

Urm played a lot of badminton recently and I've definitely felt an improvement in my game. Its kind of weird that some of the younger members (15+) have started picking me for doubles. Its kind of like being accepted. I suppose I've been there for two seasons now so I am a full member type thing. Weird.

Sorry I know I'm rambling, this is a weird phase for me, I've got a semi-cold which means I'm having about a thousand ideas but half of them don't make sense and I keep tailing off mid sentence.

ANYWAYS

Its the happiest weekend of the year for me as it the start of the 6-nations today, Wales get to face our neighbors and test our mettle against the world cup finalists. Personally I think we're going to get muellered but there is a chance we could turn them. Just got to put a comforting layer of beer in-between me and reality before kick off!

Other things I wanted to discuss:

The WOMBATS are ace.
WOMBAT me

Scientologists are a bunch of cults who really need to be stopped.
SCARE me

Dan Abnett is one of the best writers I've ever had the privllidge of reading.
INSPIRE me

The Democratic candiate is a choice between the whitest black man I've ever seen or the most masculine woman. Still, better than Romney.
VOTE (for anyone but) me

Peace out Homeslices.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

News from the front (room).







Painting is less fun than you may have been led to believe, however the front room is now a very attractive shade of magnolia. And so are parts of the carpet, the couch and the neighbors dog.

Had a very busy week in work, and much as I fancied saying "F' it" on friday and throwing a tent into the car and heading up into the hills this weekend with my better half (Well, third by weight) I knew we were going to have to actually do the painting at some-point. Let me tell you, putting a light coloured paint over walls already coloured lightly is not the easiest thing to do, its easy to get lost and loose what's been panted and what hasn't. However I was rewarded for my efforts with a pub meal and a couple of pints of the delicious Snowdonia Ale. One room down and one room to go!

Played competitive badminton on thursday in Mold and we got our respective arses handed to us. The team we played have lost one match all season and it was easy to see why. Badminton is really interesting from a point of view that you get all ages mixing and competing at the same level. There's no veterans league and there doesn't need to be, you can be just as affective at 60 as you were at 20, it a great leveler. And fun too cause some of the old timers are a right laugh.

Off now to a Williams Clan family gathering, which means there will be food alcohol and laughter in equal measure. Perfect for a sunday lunchtime.

Sunday, 13 January 2008

things








Went for a walk yesterday up in Llanfairfechan with the usual suspects. It was great to do some proper walking again even if it was only for a couple of hours. I was paranoid we'd get trapped up on the mountain if we left it too long so I did curtail the walk a bit early. Parking about a mile away from the start of the hike was probably a mistake as well. Really enjoyed it though we'll have to make more of an effort to actually get out and about in the country around here because it truly is gorgeous at any time of year.



Had a good week in work, taking on more responsibility is great for payroll because you feel like you own that process, like the actual correct payment lies on you. Which, for me, is a good thing.


Then we went for a curry at the best curry house in the area, the service was a bit slow but the curries are so good there that no one complains. I can recommend the chicken tikka Marsala without a hint of irony as it is one of the finest I have ever tasted, even retaining that deep deep red of the tikka spice not this horrible washed out orange that you see mostly everywhere else.

Made some more beer ready for the start of the six nations. the last batch was wonder full from the keg but didn't sit well in bottles. Still drinkable mind you but not the easy pleasant drinking it was straight from the spigot.



About this photo, sometimes the interwebs just shoot out random bits of fluff that make you think WTF? I have no idea what that photo is about but its compelling isn't it? Apparently there was an article in a German newspaper that correlated the number of world war 2 movies on British TV with the week they were in. Peaking at Xmas time of course.

Saturday, 5 January 2008

David Lynch, genius.

HIS THOUGHTS on the use of iphones as tv sets/films. Hes not someone whos work I always enjoy but the good balance of Twin peaks/wild at heart and mullholland drive far outweigh the abonination of Lost Highway.

Sunday, 30 December 2007

the joy of toast.

hello there!

No I haven't abandoned you, just been a weird coupld of weeks with work and everything. I've written this before but my current job is aproximatley 100% more absorbing than my old one meaning theres much less time to actually update this on a regular schedule, also the computer chair at home, which my buttocksa are currently embracing is not comfy, in a back room which stays cold and is not the most inviting place to come and spend a few hours writing, something I am saving up for is a folding bluetooth keyboard which would not only work with the wii, enabling e to update from the comfot of the couch, but also my phone which would mean I could write posts a hell of a lot faster from whatever park bench/airport lounge, pub I find myself in at the time. But It'll be a couple of months before I can get hold of one.

The post title towards toast is because em and I spurlged yesterday getting all the stuff we've been meaning to get for the house for ages, including (but not limited to) a new microwave, kettle and Toaster! No more lighting the grill (Broiler) for toast , Two slices of bread in, two slices of toast out! Wicked! (As Jane pointed out it was like I was in a student house!)

Joy.

Managed to get a cold from my friends, I'm not pointing fingers but three different people were all laid up in bed for at least a coupld of days and right now the only thing keeping me on my feet (or rather buttocks) is the insane amounts of coffee I've drunk to counteract the affects of the cold medication I've taken. Its like two aries are figthing for control of my system. One wants to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until the new year, the other wants to go dancing!

I'll go in reverse cronolgical order since I last posted.

Had a wicked party at Rob and carolines on friday night, played chess and trival pursuit and drank some beer and managed to avoid the homemade chilli vodka. Everyones coming over to our for new years and I have playdough and poker lined up for entertainment purposes!

Wrote some more music with will and Llion on thursday, nothing quite as scandeluos as last time but done in the same spirit. I'm thinking I need to write these things ahead of time to check them back as having read what I scribbed down in minutes at wills, I'd change nearly all of it if I could now.

Before that was a lovely xmas/new year with my inlaws who are all, to a person, lovely down to earth people. Its great to find a family were not only does everyone get on but they actually seek out each otheres company regularly. I'm very close to my family as well so having that one both sides of my marrige is fantastic.


before htat had a pub crawl around st asaph my old stomping ground. It turns out one of the old mans pubs in teh village is now a john wanye theme pub. In that theres all sorts of replicas and memorbilia on the walls. They're also serving real ale, which is a small passion of mine so I think my future business wil be driected there!

Anyways got to get on today got new years eve to prepare.

Later

Saturday, 15 December 2007

Night out



Had a superb works night out. My head is only slightly too small for my brain this morning but I'm not going to make it worse by staying on the computer all day. I have one thing to mention though. Cognac hour is not a good idea.

Friday, 14 December 2007

xmas lunch

Got my xmas works do today. Bacon butty at work for breakfast, about 3 hrs of work then dinner and beer all afternoon! Woot!

Sunday, 9 December 2007

Nevermind rapido

With friends around for a board game you could pay £25 for RAPIDO And have an okay time.


Or you could pay £5 and get a jumbo box of playdough and have a much much better time.




One person sits out and tells the other people they have 2 minutes to make an item/person/place/thing and once the time is over they judge who created the best.

ANGEL















BOXING
















CAN'T REMEMBER, POSSIBLY ME.


Saturday, 8 December 2007

catch-up




Morning.

Bit of a catch up I think

Last weekend was fake xmas, My sister and her fiance the mighty mighty Wez came up on the Friday just missing Steve and Kara by a couple of hours. It was great to hang out with Steve and Kara for a bit, they're good friends who we never really get the chance to see but with that kind of relationship you know its good when you can just slip back into a conversation that you started 3 years ago. It great to have those kind of relationships and I feel very privileged to have that with a few people.

Jane and Wez were knackered after driving up from London so it was time for bed and then Saturday over to mums house for xmas dinner followed by Wez teaching us the intricacies of texas-hold-em poker. Even my mum really got involved in the rounds of bluffing and better (for chips not for actual dosh).

Sunday Wez, Em and I had 18 holes on tiger woods *ITS GOOD* on the wii. I wonder why anyone would buy any other version? You hold the remote like a club, swing in the same way and its sensitive enough that if you hook your shot in real life you'll hook it here. Its a great chill out game, as long as you don't take your golf tooooooooo seriously. Lets face it, its the only way I'd ever be able to play on the old course at st Andrews.

Quite busy at work at the moment thanks to a backdated pay award from April, which basically means every calculation on pay done to date needs revising. Keeping me employed anyways.

Had a cracking game of footie on tues, five or six people came up to me after the game to tell me how well I'd played, which is a first in my book. I'm never picked last for the teams anymore, which I think is the biggest complement anyone could ever pay me. Oh yeah and the wind was unbelievable. it was blowing the ball all over the shop so it made for a frenetic unpredictable game. Which was cool. And its great to keep up with old friends from my previous work. When you met people that you have an easy uncomplicated rapport with you should hold on to that for as long as you can.

Last night was badminton and Will came along for the first time which was great, I was pleased at how well he fitted in. His kamikaze style of badminton is always good to watch and I think playing against some of the better player at the club he'll just get better and better. He told me hes writing a story which sounds really good I can't wait to see what he comes up with.


Today is Mild Mayhem day. People are coming over for pictionary, rude word scrabble, poker and pizza. Or basically just to hang out... which is something I adore.

Oh and the picture is from this site Rap represented in graphical format. It pretty funny... even if you know nothing about rap!

peace out home slice!!

Sunday, 2 December 2007

fake xmas

Fake xmas was a roaring success. My sister and Wez came up and we did all the xmasy stuff with my mum. Presents, wine, food and so forth. Now its time for 18 holes on tiger woods 2008 and then the boxing day meal!

I love doing xmas twice a year! Woot!

Saturday, 24 November 2007

hmm.

Tip you've drunk too much. When you and your friends start an online petition to rename 'Brief Encounter' to 'Oh for Gods sake! Just shag and get it over with.'

My commute....



My commute takes me past a RSPB sanctuary and I stopped off there on Friday morning and I'm so glad I did. It was simply gorgeous.

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Itsa me!

Mario Galaxy is the sensation of grinning Japanese salarymen tickling your brains pleasure centres directly. It's pure gaming Nirvana with a smile on its face and joy in its heart. I love it. I want to marry it, move to the country and raise little galaxies. (I'd probably cheat on it with Tiger Woods 2008 though.)

Friday, 16 November 2007

Geekfest is go!

The three of us have;
4 bags of crisps,
1 massive tub of dip,
2 pizzas,
4 bottles of coke,
6 sandwiches,
2 wiis,
and 3 copies of mario galaxy.
See you on Monday!

Switch Part 2


Switch 2


The car cut a swathe through the heavy summer air, shafts of light glinting through the partial canopy cover that the trees provided over the twisting mountain road. To our left the grass curb dropped steeply into the lush green of the deep valley. It was summer and the world seemed to be coming alive around us.

"Nice to be out of the city hunh?" Remy said, twisting the car into the next bend. I grunted and let the feel of the country wash over me. I loved to come here as often as I could, which was never as frequently as I would like. For most people born in the heart of the city, the country held a romantic fascination that rarely lived up to expectation. But I adored it. The mud and rain and earth made it real, vital in a way the muted concrete of the city never would be.

But this wasn't a pleasure trip. After the unpleasantness of the Van Sant incident, the chief had ordered us both out for a short while to let the public forget about it. To be honest, I was surprised by the fuss over it. When the evidence had all been properly examined he was clearly guilty and had committed suicide when confronted by a police officer. The chief had to fight down suggestions that I had manhandled him off his balcony. I suppose I hadn't helped. Van Sant was a homicidal narcissist with a penchant for the bizarre to colour his jaded pallet and I was glad he was dead. Although I probably shouldn't have said exactly those words to the reporter.

As the breeze drifted in through the open window, I felt it dissipate the tension of the past few weeks. Remy left me to my thoughts as he maneuvered the car over the undulating tarmac.

I'd almost fallen asleep by the time we pulled up in front of two enormous iron gates with the motto Fiat Lux emblazoned on them.

"We're here," Remy redundantly ventured as I gazed up at the distant ivy covered buildings. For a school it was pretty classy, large open playing fields teeming with identically garbed boys chasing some unseen ball in a game I'd once been forced to play but never knew the rules to. It seemed to involve a carefully measured level of violence and was probably meant to be confidence boosting. As I was one of the boys who'd stood on the pitch and got elbowed, kicked and punched out of the way, all it seemed to boost was my desire not to play the goddamn game.

The immaculate gravel crunched as we rolled up to the front entrance of the building. The crest on the gates was repeated here, dominating the arched door. Its austere facing was designed to impress onto small boys the absolute authority of the School and its Masters. The overtly serious demeanour implied any rebellion would be crushed and any deviation from the norm would be stamped on and destroyed. Private schools are not places where the weak, the different or the just plain weird thrive. They are independent fascist states bound by no laws higher than that of their supreme ruler, the Headmaster.

A squat black robed figure approached us from some unseen door in a state of high agitation.

"I told him to make sure you parked around the back! I don't want any disruption to the pupils, there's enough anxiety as it is!"

I looked back at the field full of laughing, shouting boys and then back at him. All the anxiety seemed to be emanating from this small red faced rotund man who could almost be described as jolly if not for the mortarboard and gown. This, and the stress and worry written clear on his visage, gave him the look of a fat man who's just seen the last doughnut being scoffed by someone else.

"Where shall I move the car to then sir?" asked Remy, politeness seeping out of every pore.

"Well, it's here now I suppose," remarked the man, all the bluster falling out of his sails. "I'm Thompson, the headmaster. You're the gentlemen Blunko sent?"

"Yes we are," I confirmed, storing away my superiors obvious school nickname for later use. "Can you show us the, urm..."

"Of course. This way please."

He turned gracefully for a gentleman of his girth and paced away through the main entrance. Remy and I followed him through the ivy covered archway.


"Charterhouse is one of this countries oldest schools." His words floated back to us over his wake. "We take the children of today and turn them into the leaders of tomorrow." He had clearly forgotten that Remy and I weren't prospective parents and was giving us the full spiel usually reserved for those rich enough to even consider sending their sprogs here.

"Our academic record is second to none with the highest proportion of students going on to the great triumvarate of Universities. But we believe a healthy mind must be supported by a healthy body. Physical education must be a primary concern of a Charterhouse man."

I'd done my research and behind all the bluster there did lurk a few nuggets of truth. The standard of education here was clearly head and shoulders above anything else available, even to the super-rich. The results spoke for themselves. Almost all graduates from Charterhouse went on to university and from there to the highest echelons of society. Captains of industry, political leaders; they had all at one time walked these marbled sunlit halls, including our very own police chief.

"We like to consider being at Charterhouse a passport to greatness," said Thompson, stopping outside a door marked Infirmary. "Which is why this issue needs to be dealt with quietly and competently." He looked at my partner and I as if he suspected us of carrying a live TV feed to the media.

He opened the wood panelled door and we stepped into a vaulted ward room with a number of occupied beds.

Three boys were sat in the beds, bolt upright, gazing vacantly in front of them. They were mid-teens with that well-fed, well-bred look that a certain level of privilege seems to bring.

However, belying this healthy image, the boys facial muscles were completely slack giving them the appearance of a vacant house. There, but not there at the same time. The eyes were totally dead as though no spark or soul was being held in that vessel.

I waved my hand in front of their faces but there was no response at all.

Remy took a pulse from one of the boys and peered deep into the eyes of another. There was no resistance to his gentle ministrations. It was as if they were simply lumps of meat with no reactions or feelings of their own.

"This is very interesting but shouldn't you have called in a doctor?'"

"We have a nurse on site and she did call for him but he could find nothing wrong. We thought they were acting up for being discovered where they shouldn't have been."

"And that was?"

"The library. Sitting up in the same manner you see them now." He looked at us intently. "We need to find whatever drug these boys have been taking and put a stop to it at once."

"A drug?" my partner replied, all innocence.

"I'm a man of the world, sir. I've seen my fair share and this looks like a drug induced coma to me."

It didn't seem much like a drug break to me.

I'd been walking the beat for the acid frenzy of '43, when a batch of pure LSD hit the streets. The stuff you normally encounter is watered down to be acceptable to the normal palette. Think about a glass of beer compared with a pint of 100% pure alcohol.

We filled the nut houses that summer. All these people just looking for a quick escape for a few hours suddenly finding their trip lasting for weeks or months with no let up, no escape. They couldn't sleep, they couldn't relax, most tried to beat themselves unconscious just for the peace.

You'd have to have a fairly firm grip on reality to survive that and if you're the kind of person who's taking acid for fun then you're probably not that person. Doors of Perception my arse.

But even those poor drooling freaks were a picnic compared to the eerie inhuman stillness that these three exhibited. The boys were really starting to creep me out.

"Maybe we should see the library, where it actually happened," I ventured.







The library was deeply impressive and yet suffocating. Dark oak surrounded us on two floors with the thick rich red of leather-bound volumes. Boys were scurrying around carrying huge books almost their own size.

"Where were they sitting?"

"Just over here." Thompson pointed to the head of the table. "I found them myself. I saw the light on as I took my usual rounds. I thought the caretaker had left it on accidentally. I had the shock of my life seeing them there."

"How were they sat?" I asked.

"They were bent over some art book or other. Jenkins sitting at the head of the table and the other two peering over his shoulders." He pointed to the head of the dark wooden table that covered more space than my apartment. The strong sunlight fell through an enormous window, highlighting the motes of dust, dancing in the breeze.

"Where is this book now?"

"Urm..." Thompson walked over to a recessed shelf and pulled a large silver book out.

"I believe this was it, although what something like this is doing in our library is a puzzle. It must belong to the art department."

The title was 'The Dark Hand - Nightmare Visions. Drawing and inspirations from Lovecraft'.

I was familiar enough with Lovecraft's work to know what to expect from someone 'influenced' by him, and the book didn't disappoint. Demons and humans, in hate and lust and a unshakable feeling of creeping dread. Evil images and dark forbidding pages shrieked of hidden twisted knowledge and eldritch magics.

"I don't believe in magic," said Remy, peering at the book over my shoulder.

"Magic is rabbits and hats and sleight of hand," I replied. "What happened to these children isn't magic. This is something much more sinister. Mr Thompson," I said, snapping the book shut. "I'm going to have the boys taken to the local hospital for further tests."

He was distraught at this prospect. "You can't take the boys out of school! They're my responsibility. We haven't told their parents yet!"

I restrained myself from reminding him where his responsibility had led these three boys.

"Actually sir, yes we can," I replied. "We'd rather have your permission but I do have the authority to take them without it."

"I'll speak to your supervisor!"

"By all means do so sir, but while he's confirming everything I've just told you, these boys will be in the hospital being examined."

He huffed for a bit and then stormed off without another word. He'd grown so used to being the ultimate authority that he simply wasn't used to taking orders.

"You've made an enemy there you know," said Remy.

"I'll have to learn to live with the pain," I said, turning back to the book.






I got the phone-call whilst I was sitting in the fourteenth interview of the day. It was with a small scared classmate of the three boys who, like his fellows, clearly knew nothing of what had happened. The scans had come back. There was a cloud over part of their brains all at the same point. Some metallic substance they said. A chill came over me. I'd seen this before.

I turned to Remy, interrupting his attempt to staunch the terrified tears from the boy.

"Get Delyth to meet me at the hospital and tell her to bring her full kit."

I drove myself there at full speed, leaving Remy to interview the rest of their class. I didn't think much good would come of questioning them. Even if they knew something, chances were that they wouldn't tell a police officer. Being expelled from the most prestigious school in the country was hardly the best thing to have on your resume.

I reached the room they were keeping the boys in. It had painfully bright walls and that smell of disinfectant and decay that my father always referred to as freshly scrubbed death. The three boys were still sitting bolt upright staring at the opposite empty wall.

Delyth was already examining the oldest boy, Jenkins Junior as he'd been called. There was very little junior about this tall muscular youth and only the tell tale rash of acne across his forehead gave away his teenage hormone crisis. She looked up at me when I walked in.

"This is absolutely fascinating!" she exclaimed.

Delyth was about as far from your typical IT person as you could get. She was short with glossy black hair a permanent smile and the quickest wits you'd see this side of a gameshow panellist. She didn't need glasses but wore them anyway. "People don't take attractive women seriously unless they're wearing glasses. Men are thinking about how to get me into bed and women tend to be distrustful if they see me as a threat."

"Is it what I think it is?" I asked, skipping the usual formalities.

"Yes, I believe so." She turned, focusing that thousand watt glare on me. "Although I'm intrigued by how you knew what to look for."

"Long story."

"And one day you're going to tell me that story."

We shared a tight smile.

"Let's just say China was quite an education," I said.

"For now." She shifted back into full-on professional mode.

"The metal that was picked up in the x-rays is a neural net. It's an inhalant computer. Absorbed through the lungs it travels through the blood stream to the brain, latches over the cerebellum and plugs in. It increases speed of thought, memory and basically boosts the brain to somewhere near genius level. My question is, where the hell did these kids get their hands on this kind of technology?"

I'd been asking myself the exact same question.

"I have my suspicions. Is the net still active? Can we talk to it?"

"Should be able to, it uses the same sensory pathways as the brain does, but remember the only things I know about these things are what I've read in speculative journals. This stuff is way in advance of anything I've encountered before. I'm going to try to access the computer directly via the low level system monitoring."

She reached into her bag and pulled out a small foldaway computer. The black rectangle opened itself like a book and floated above her knees as the screen flickered into existence in front of her.

"This may take some time," she said, putting a pair of headphones in Jenkins' ears.

She began entering commands and through the baffle of the headphones I could hear the tell-tale sound of computer noise.

For an hour Delyth typed commands into the laptop, looking for some reaction from the human statue in front of her. I was feeling rather like a spare part. I had already gone to get coffee and was considering going back to help Remy.

Suddenly Jenkins turned and regarded me with light again in his eyes. The movements were jerky and slow. It was clear whatever was left of the boy was not in control now.

"I think you may have cracked it." I said, feeling totally freaked out by the soul-sucking gaze locked onto my own.


//PATH//QUERY?

Delyth and I looked at each other. The words did not sound like the voice of a fifteen year old although they had just emerged from his mouth.

Delyth typed into the keyboard.

-Repeat.-

//PATH//QUERY?

The words shuddered out of his mouth giving them an electric quality. They had no accent or expression on them. The harsh language of the machine.

-Self Scan. Report.-

//REPORT//SCAN SHOWS 30% OPERATING EFFICIENCY. SEVERE DAMAGE TO ORGANIC SECTIONS A4E THROUGH E9B.//QUERY?

-Can the damage be repaired? Report.-

//REPORT//NO.//QUERY?

-Expand previous query. Report.-

//REPORT//NO. DAMAGE TOO SEVERE FOR RECOVERY. ORGANIC HOST LIMITED TO AUTONOMOUS FUNCTIONS ONLY.//QUERY?

-What happened?-

//REPORT//QUERY NOT UNDERSTOOD.//QUERY?

-How did the damage occur?-

//REPORT//OCCULAR SENSORY INPUT MISMATCH. EXTRA CEREBRAL RESOURCE USED. CASCADE EFFECT CAUSED ORGANIC SYSTEM DAMAGE. SHUTDOWN OF ALL AREAS. SHUTDOWN TO CONTINUE UNTIL FULL REBOOT.//QUERY?

So that was it. Jenkins had seen something that had caused the net such confusion it had pulled in all of its own resources to try and puzzle it out. Then, when it ran out of its own resources it pulled his in as well, using his own brain against itself. Total Shutdown. Except for the autonomous bits that he needed to keep breathing.

The question was, what had he seen? And what had the others seen after that?

"Ask it for the last image it saw."

Delyths fingers danced over the keys, and a picture emerged from the screen. A blasphemous 3D image resolved itself, like Escher possessed by the spirit of the Marquis de Sade. Bodies, human and otherwise, in various unnatural and disturbing acts. There was enough oddness and sexuality to attract the attention of three hormone ridden teenagers, but surely these perverted lusts were not enough to completely shut down three fully functional neural nets.

The frame around the picture attracted my attention. It had a series of runes or picto-glyphs running the around the entire border of the page.

"Look at those," said Delyth, her finger tracing the glyphs, one step ahead of me as ever. "It's a mathematical equation."

She copied the glyphs into a routine on her computer and pressed enter.

The image on the screen shuddered and died, leaving Delyth prodding buttons and swearing profusely and eloquently. When the torrent of abuse had stopped I asked her what had happened.

"It's an unsolvable equation. It has no solution. It's like a feedback loop, just builds up on itself becoming bigger and bigger with each cycle until it becomes too big for the computer to deal with."

She looked over at the three impassive faces staring at the far wall.

"Those poor bastards. One glance at that page and the net tried to process the equation, to make sense of it. When it ran out of its own power it started drawing in the surrounding brainpower. The boys wouldn't even know what they were looking at or why they couldn't look away as the neural net tightened on their cerebellum. Drawing more and more brain power away until they were left blank. Completely drained of thought and emotion."

"Is there..."

"No," she sighed shaking her head sadly, "They've been completely wiped clean. There nothing left in there now. Look." She held up her laptop. "Just an expensive paperweight now, everything's wiped. Their brains, the computer, total reset."






I burst into the heads office, through the protests of his secretary. It was, as you'd expect, stuffy and musty with leather and mahogany everything. Framed photos of austere gentlemen frowned down on us from every wall. But I wasn't looking at them, I was looking at the man that had caused irreversible brain damage to three innocent boys.

"What on earth...!?" he began.

"Sit down and shut up."

"I will do no such thing until you..."

"Sit down. Shut up."

He obeyed, my tone conveying everything I was feeling right then.

"I know about the nets."

His ruddy face paled and he waved off the secretary who shut the door behind herself.

"What nets?"

I smiled thinly.
"The neural nets you gave to those boys to keep their marks high. What was wrong with them? Too thick for Charterhouses' high standards?"

"I have no idea what you could be talking about."

"Play it dumb for now but we know it had to be you. Those boys didn't have the connections to get hold of those computers. You'd need major pull, huge finances and most importantly, trade contacts with China."

"China? That's preposterous."

"Is it? These things can only be made on the far side of the Silicon Curtain. We don't possess this level of technology any more."

I changed tack.

"We've got you clearly and cleanly. Protest all you want."

He sagged. He head sunk into his hands, knowing he had been caught out.

I softened my voice. There were still a few things he could resolve for me.

"Why these particular boys? That's the only thing I can't figure out."

"These boys?" he spat, the fire returning as he stared up at me, "You think its just these three boys? Everyone at Charterhouse has them. Everyone who has ever been to Charterhouse has them. Everyone!"

It was my turn to look stunned. Suddenly it all made sense. The high test scores. The schools unassailable position as the best in the country. All the achievements down to a micron thick layer of metal and silicon, processing faster than any unassisted brain ever could.

"Do you know what kind of genetic stock we've got now? Some of these blue-bloods have thirteen toes! We had to preserve the good name of this school. We add the supplement to their first medical here and they have no idea why they can suddenly understand concepts they couldn't even grasp before. The parents put it down to the Charterhouse way. We've been doing this for over two hundred years with no ill effects at all. Until now."

Everything started swimming in front of my eyes. Every living graduate from Charterhouse had been assisted by a computer and was still being assisted now. Some of the most important people in this countries most powerful positions.

The headmaster interrupted my brooding.

"Was it drugs?"

"Drugs?"

"That caused the boys to blank out. Are they better now, are they okay?"

I suddenly realised the enormity of what was before me.

Imagine the power. Imagine having a list of the highest placed Charterhouse old boys, and an email account with a scanned copy of the blasphemous page. One look at it would be enough. Overnight a thousand resets. Institutions, banks, businesses, government all rendered incapable of action by one single solitary picture.

What would you do?

Tell the truth and risk everything? Or lie, and pray that no one else ever figures this thing out.

What would you do?

Thursday, 15 November 2007

weird news

Headline on Sky news last night (And title of my next band) 'Catflap Killer'

Monday, 12 November 2007

Switch 1.5 atmosphere



There's a place deep on the west side, past the gaudy display and tourist traps of the 'old city', where the real old city still dwells. Tourists always go there to experience life as it was during war years. They needn't have bothered. Just find an open sewer and jump in. That's the atmosphere of the real west side. Then shoot yourself in the head for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That's the real skinny, none of this 'Plutonium spirit ' with grubby faced urchins sharing Geiger counters and breathing filters as they skip their way to the school they set up underground.

In a lot of ways things haven't moved on for a lot of people since those times. The slums are still there, silently broadcasting back all the radiation they absorbed into the next generation of grubby faced urchins, or 'bastards' as I like to call them.

The slums are where most of vices jobs are, occasionally they'll call my boys in. Some john gets whacked and we're expected to do the hard stuff, like try and explain to his wife and kids what he was doing in that part of town. And that time of night. Without his pants.

One of the most depressing jobs in the world must be that of the youth justice officer. He sees the same kids week in-out getting in trouble from breaking and entering and getting pissed on synth cider at eleven in the morning. And he knows. He knows no matter what he does the same kids will be there the next week all the way up to the time they're not his to deal with anymore and they get sent away to the real jail. Where they learn all the rest of the skills they need for their continuing life of crime. It may be tough at the top but its tough enough to make diamonds at the bottom.

So stop me if you've heard this one before.

Man goes into a bar. He has a drink. He has another one, He asks the bartender where he could find some company. The bartender points out a clearly underage girl sitting at a booth on her own. The man, shocked walks away and calls the police.

Oh, you haven't heard that one before? Thats because it never fucking happens. The man doesn't call the police. He doesn't walk away. He's not even shocked anymore. He goes over and asks her how much. No pre-amble. No small talk. Straight to business there's no love in this.

So she nods her head to the bathrooms. They walk over and finish their transaction.

Except when he walks into the bathroom its not the sexual release he's getting. It's me. With a pair of cuffs and anger in my eyes. Which I know might turn some of you on. But not this guy.

All he wanted was a way to relax in a strange city and instead he's looking at 5-10 years and a record as a sex offender.

This might count as a victory on the crime statistics but honestly who won? We didn't.

The juvie hooker we're using as bait? I know for a fact as soon as this stings over she'll find another bar and this for real there. There's too much money to be made from fat horny suits for her not to.

If its a choice between dignity and eating well, if you've ever been there you'll know its no choice at all.

These guys pay for 5 minutes or an hour of intimacy and what they get is cold hard sex. All sharp corners and no emotion just lust. Or if hes really unlucky one of those antibiotic resistant venereal diseases. That's something to try and explain to your wife isn't it?

the freaks come out.


Why did no-one tell me that this Monday was international freak day. My regular supermarket is fairly bland, inoffensive and purposly designed as such. When you're picking up nappies and bleach you don't want inovation or novel experienec you just want to get your pruchases and get the hell out of dodge.

Well not tonight buster cause tonight they're the consumers and you're the 20% extra offer.

Everyone, including the serving staff seemed to be so distracted that they appeared to be communicating with the mother-ship. A man who was clearly over the European Standard for the number of elbows per person barged me out of the way at the chiller to get at the soya-milk. Soya-milk. Not diamonds, not gold edged turds or comemerative teacosies of the late Saint Diana. Soya-milk.

I think that guy needed some perspective. And deodorant.

My problems didn't end there. At the checkout I was acosted by a man I've never met and regaled with his entire life story. Now if you're scott of the antarctic or Captain Cook I think your story would make quiet interesting listening. Although if you're from Huddersfield and moved to Wales 20 years ago and are still picking on the little differences between the two, I think you need a hobby. Or several.

Sorry, had a weird couple of days and very little makes sense at the moment. A rant is often the best way to clear the decks as it were.

Fiction soon.

Saturday, 10 November 2007

ow ow ow ow ow!

Went for a run this morning.

It was actually quite peacefull for the first ten mins. Too early for traffic too late for the pissheads very chilling.

And then my body woke up, realised what my head was making it do and responded with cramps! Hence the title.

2nd draft of switch is nearly done. Ill post it once it passes muster with the editor.

into rhyl now and then a Heros catchup weekend at Andys!

Woo!

Friday, 9 November 2007

evening.

Ah the joys of flexi-time, leaving work at the indecent hour of 4PM on a friday. Or 'heaven' as I like to call it.

First of all I should explain at my previous job the hours were much stricter but the internet policy was looser meaning that although I had to stay at my desk until 5:30 everyday I could basically spend the last ten minutes of the day updated the blog.

Now I can't so i actually have to come home from staring at the computer in work all day and physically turn on my home Mac to update.

Now I don't know about you guys but when I get home the last thing I want to do is turn on the computer! anyway, what this policy ahs meant is that my actual writing has had a lot more time spent on it at lunchtimes and such as theres no net access. which is great, I've had some quite reasonable ideas recently and it was great to give them the time they deserved!

Well whats been going on. Urm I've made a new batch of Beer which'll be ready in time for fake xmas (A Taylor family tradition), Ems made more bread and cakes than is probably decent, halloween went with not one trick or treater(never mind, more candy for me), been watching more and more rugby (hoorah) and some aussie rules football(impressive). Works great. Home life is perfect and I'm readlly happy with my fiction.

Life (as Tim burgess had it) is Sweet.

Laters

Rob

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

no updates?

Dear Blog,

I know ive been neglecting you but ive been using my blog time to finish the next part of switch. Almost done.

write soon

love rob.

Friday, 26 October 2007

tele-vision

Last night i watched two programes i normally miss. First up was "what not to wear" where people are ritually humiliated into following some made up cultural norm regarding clothes. The "guests" are poked and prodded into believing theyre freaks because of their sartorial choices and through the magical power of shopping they too can achieve the perfection of a perfume ad.

Actually that isnt fair, these people arent just randomly picked on and bullied, they have volunteered for this because they feel they need help with their clothing choices. Its the gleefull taunting of the presenters I cant stand, they revel in cajoling the poor saps about what people really think of them until the tears flow. Hateful television.

The other show was 'The Real Football Factories' where wideboy actor Danny Dyer goes to soccer clubs all around the world and interviews their hooligans. Every episode follows the same course. Danny arrives in Madrid/Naples/Bratislava meets a bunch of nutters who talk about pride and honour and passion and then cuts to CCTV footage of street fighting where there's no hint of any of those three things.


As a testostrone counter part to the early estrogen-fest it had weird similar themes. The power of going with the crowd, letting others make the descions for you. But the ladies are trying to change their lives, the blokes are just reveling in theirs.

Next week, I think I'll just read a book.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

badders

Played in my first competitive match of the season and against all probabilities won both my matches.
There's 4 men a 4 women a side and its all doubles games so you have a mixed doubles then a mens or womens doubles. Each match is a best of three games and until last night id never won a game. Was a great feeling not letting the side down and taking maximum points away.

Back in action next week against the Steel Fury of our league. I'll be lucky to escape with minor brusing.

Monday, 22 October 2007

Stardust.

Stardust is the kind of film they tell you they dont make anymore. Straight out of the 'Princess Bride' mould its a fantasy romp with wit, humour, baddies you can boo at and genuine scares for the kids. Nice underplayed cameos by the cream of british comedy, mark heap, David walliams and Ricky Gervais. All in all the best movie ive seen since hot fuzz. And you can take the kids!

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Neighbours, Weddings and why Anne Coulter is not a nice person.



The wedding mentioned last post was lovely, really informal, no speeches, few tear (of joy) lots of beer and a pig on a spit. Woot!

We have new neighbours next door, this happens quite regularly as it's a rental property that is just about up the code. If its the rental code from the 1690s. The heating just doesn't work the toilet backs up reguarly and theres an interesting fungus growing the bedroom wall that only answers to 'Kevin'.

As you can imagine the turnover is quite high and with Friday night being seriously cold the neighbours, who appear to be perfectly nice, had to go and stay somewhere else. However they left their dog in the house. So the pooch wakes up at 6:30 wonders where everyone is and where his breakfast is coming from. So he starts barking, and barking and barking and barking. Unfourtunatly this sets off the kennels in the house three doors down, so suddenly, lest i remind you at 6:30 IN THE MORNING, we have the canine equalivent of the St Martins in the Field choir blasting out all around us.

Em, bless her, can sleep through nearly anything. I however had to get up and I think it stuck me in a grump for the rest of the day. thats the only way I can explain pushing some of the weaker pedestrians into traffic as I stomped around the high street.






Anne Coulter, who I have mentioned before as a ferociously intelligent dangerous right wing bigot who's had her homepage hacked. The reason why this is funny is most right wing names are, to be fair, limited in their intellegence. Shaun Hannity, Bill o'Reilly these are not people who debate or explore topics. They are the finger pointers, the agitators, the empty vessels making the most noise.

Idiots in other words.

But Anne Coulter is not an idiot, she is incredibly intelligent and this she fascinates the other side. "With a brain like hers she should be with us!" Which is why an open letter explaining your entire career was a joke has a strangely plausible ring to it. Sadly it is a fake, she's still the same brittle, attractive, damaged woman she ever was. More's the pity. She des strike me as someone who's hollow inside.

In the interests of balance her real website is here but, honestly, if you're used to thinking for yourself and your political views sit anywhere to the left of, say, Goebbels I'd give it a miss.

Enjoyed the last game of the world cup. I did think the fairy tale for England would come true but a stronger south african side held out in a tense nervy game. And actually with all the hyperbole surounding the Springboks I can only imagine the reams of shit that would have been spewing from the commentators mouths if England had won it. Anyway, England have nothing to be ashamed of, they showed that experience can be more effective than youth. It does however help if you have youth in the shape of Tait and Flood to come on as fresh legs. Those boys really impressed.

The Welsh were simply abysmal. But could talk for weeks about that, and will do but not on this forum.

Oh and if you've never seen rathergood.com this is a good introduction. Its just flash animation and musical stupidity but a great way to pass the time. Main site here.

Peace out homeboys.

neighbours, pizza and other rambly things.

Friday, 19 October 2007

the sweet sweet smell of....


..A day off! Woo!

One of my old school friends is getting hitched today and I've had to take the day off. I mean I could have gone to work early as the ceremony starts at 4:00PM but I thought sod it, I'll have a long weekend to recover.

Caroline and Steve are great individually but together they do make the perfect couple. Anyone that spends any time around them can see exactly how their dynamic works and its really a beautiful thing. I couldn't be more chuffed for them knowing how much happiness my own marriage has brought me.

We went out for a chinese meal on wednesday as a little stag/hen do type thing for them and I was sitting around a table with the same people I sat around a table in the sixth form common room and it did not feel in the least bit weird. Its lovely when you can stay in touch with people that mean a lot to you. It hapens very rarely so when it does hold on to it for all you're worth!

Passed my Exam resit. I say pass. I think 81% counts as slightly more than a pass. In fact it proved what I knew all along. My tutor didn't doesn't and will never know her arse from her elbow. This was the exam I previously failed by a couple of percent and she missed clear marks that were on the paper and when I called her on it she blew me off with some pathetic excuse.



You can insult my knowledge of football, film, computers, rugby, anything you like and I'll take that info on board and try to improve. But don't tell me I know nothing about payroll when I live breath and eat it.

This has been a public service message brought to you by the number 5 and the letter §.

Sunday, 14 October 2007

morning!


Life's been kinda frantic lately. The new job as I have mentioned is working out really well, there a nice level of busy-ness without the arse clenching "ahhhhhh! I've only got five minutes to get this report straight and out to client!"

The new job is in house not outsourced which means there's none of this 'them and us' attitude that was sadly prevalent throughout my previous career. It wasn't meant to be like that of course, but there only so much of "Payrolls fucked up again!" you can take from the client before you start saying "Hang on a minute! wasn't it actually your equipment that failed again?! Aren't you using an easy target i.e. the only outsourced thing in your company, to avoid talking about the massive internal issues that are wrecking our chances of delivering you a good payroll?!"

Shit. I hope no one from the previous job reads this blog!

Anyway, new place totally different, bit further to drive but its not so bad, the only really bad thing is I don't really get a chance to write anything at work. I can tell you this now I've left, I wrote all of 'notes from the road', most of 'switch' and all the other crap in quiet moments at work. I'd write everything in a textpad document and email back to my personal email account. Now I don't have that oppoutunity(at the moment). Oh well, the job itself is much more challenging so I guess I'll have to start writing at home! Boo!

This weekends been quite quiet so far badders on Friday followed by watching late night tv with beer (alcohol is the only sensible solution to Friday night tv) Went to another garden centre yesterday morning (I am, in fact, fifty) then hung out with some friends we haven't seen since the wedding and persuaded another couple to buy a Wii (at this point I'm wondering how much commission I need to charge nintendo!) then watched England struggle and strain to turn France over in the rugby semi final.

Hey ho, although if England do retain the world cup I'll be turning my tv off for at least a month to let the commentators Hyperbole die down. Nothing against England but imagine if you supported Everton and EVERY SINGLE COMMENTATOR WAS PRAISING EVERY MOVE LIVERPOOL MADE. It would piss you off after a while. It may in fact happen as I'd far rather watch the world paint drying championships than watch football. Every year we go to a barbeque on FA cup final day and I'll watch the game to remind myslef why I don't watch the games. And then I'll fall comfortably asleep in the second half knowing I won't miss anything.

I didn't always feel this way, when I worked in Liverpool it was the football chat every day. But not any more. I've seen the light!

A long day ahead of family visits, six solid hours of gaming with The Pedantic Crew (We roll four deep), finished off with Chinese food and Argentina versus South Africa or as I like to call it, heaven.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

saturdaze




















I will update more later but I just wanted to point you towards this photoblog. Basically this person scours the internet for the most interesting /funny pictures such as the one above. If you have ten mins take a look back these some amazing stuff on there!

Works going well but it very different to the last place. The last place had highs and lows of busyness which gave me plenty of time to think and write but this new place is constantly busy but you feel less rushed which is definaetly a good thing!

Sunday, 7 October 2007

correction to previous post.

It has been pointed out to me that the last post was very harsh on the Aussies.

When Wales played them in September we met two distinct types of australian.

1. Were friendly happy and genuinely great people. Perfect blokes and shelias to share a beer with and I would cheerfully recommend their company to anyone.

2. Were cunts.

The post below was directed at the second group.

That is all.

Dreamz


(If you don't care about rugby you should probably skip forward to the next post.)


You are NEVER going to believe the dream I had last night! In defiance of all the known laws of both God and Man, both France AND England beat the supposedly superior teams of New Zealand and Australia to reach the semi finals of the World cup. It was so vivid but I know it was clearly a dream as I was supporting England against the cheating dirty whinging Aussies. What was the excuse this time Austrialia? Did you put your under 15 squad out? Or was that your full strength team being DEMOLISHED by the England front row in the manner they practiced against the Welsh before the world cup?



WHAT? You mean that beautiful dream is real? Thank you God! Thank you Jehova! Thank you Tom Cruise!


Define Irony. Irony is talking yourself up to the press that you're going to win the word cup and then getting beaten by a side that got killed against South Africa 36-nil. Its a beautiful day.

Saturday, 6 October 2007

football booties


So, for the past couple of years ive played footie in a knackered pair of trainers that saw their best days sometime last century. "time for some new ones" me thinks and off to the shoe shop. Except EVERY pair of football boots are so garish the shelf in the shop looks like the bottom of a clowns wardrobe.

When did the footballers wives take over the design of footballers boots?

They are so bad im going to grab my old ones out of the bin and give them another go. With a healthy dose of deodorant, of course!

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

So it turns out no one has access to the internet at work unless you're so high up the food chain you're unlikely to spend the afternoon waiting for updates on the bbc.

HOWEVER the job itself is much more indepth than my previous roles I have had no time to miss the aforementioned internet access expect for the updating of blogs. Not that I was ever a regular contributor to my own blog but I expect the updates will become even more patchy as I now have to turn on my pc when I get home which lets face it is unlikely to happen on a whim.

The rain came down thisafternoon like God was pissed. and yet people still insited on driving less than a meter from the car in front on the motorway. Maybe its becuase I've been driving on b roads to work up until now but some of these guys are seriously nuts! Like they're immortal and desperate for an excuse to buy a new car.

Scary scaaaaary stuff.

The world of ties is not made better by frequent use. I would have thought I'd have been getting used to my collar and leash by now but even the fact they come in a wide variety of shapes and colours does not disminish how tied down I feel.

The people are still nice and the work itself is really interesting. Well you'd find it dull as a bastard but I like it.

Apart from that not much else is going on.

Laters.




(Phew! I managed to get through the entire thing without mentioning the rugby.)

(DOH!)

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

new job

New job. No email access yet. No net access at all. Its also a Tie-rarchy, where the wearing of ties is mandatory.
I havent worn a tie regularly since school and my neck is rebelling! People are nice thou and the job should be fine. More later.

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Its been a while...


Hiya!

So it was Septemeber the 18th last time I updated properely which is nearly ten days ago!

What wonders I must have seen! What things I must have experienced!

Well, actually I've been pretty ill. A cold/flu thing that made me feel like I was about to lose my entire bodyweight in sweat and nose gunk, but I'm sure you don't want to hear that. I came back to work after the rugby with a sore throat I blamed on singing land of my fathers at the top of my voice. I'm so naive sometimes. I had been chosen as the host form of the father of all colds, yea the template, the arch-cold to which all lesser colds must pay homage.

So through the fug of the cold I had to say goodbye to all my work colleages. That was a strange experience. I had been at the old place for nigh on four years which I think is the longest time I've been in one place excepting for school. I sent an open invite to the pub this friday night we'll have to see who's able to make it and who wants to indeed. One of my close friends at work left two weeks ago so its starting to feel like the end of an era. I don't regret going, I think it was my time to move on. I just hope the new job is everything its cracked up to be.

So said "Goodbye Everybody!" on wednesday then jetted off to Cardiff on the Thursday with Andy Llion and Vicky, to watch Wales spank Japan which was actually good fun, then headed out into Cardiff proper. Note to self, the jukebox in the Queens Vaults is possibly the best in the city.

Got nicely drunk again, which did my cold no end of good, had a truly awful breakfast which everyone else really rated making it much much worse. Did some hungover shopping which is never a good idea and then caught the train home. All good.

Saturday I traveled with my wife and mother to London where Jane and Wez were having an engaement party. Met some fantastic people. When you start having a random chat with a drunk twenty year old and he annouces his favourite Stones song is "Gimmie Shelter" its hard not to give him a big manly hug. The kids are alright.

Got into random film chat which spun off into religion and nobody got upset or throwing fatwas around so that's got to be a good thing. Jane and wezs friends and family are all lovely which shows excellent taste on their part. We stayed with Paula and Joan who are just the most lovely couple EVER! the day after the party my uncle pete brought down our wedding video and everyone was in tears. With emotion at first and then at the sheer quality of Eds best man speech. It was totally superb.

Came home on the sunday on a bus from Crewe to chester with a bunch of drunk football fans. It was hard not to feel threatened but thats the way it goes I suppose. They didn't do anything just chanted (I couldn't use the word 'sung') obscene football songs and made everyone feel very uncomfortable. Thats the real difference between football and rugby. The violence in rugby is all on the pitch, supervised so the supporters don't feel the need to kill each other as battle has already been done on the turf. Football is, to be frank, a game for girly girls and their girly boys so the fans seem to feel the need to fight for the honour of the overpaid ballet dancers who kicked a ball around for a bit.

(I actually play football but I wouldn't bother watching it on TV anymore, but thats a post in and of itself.)

So then we hit this week of leisure, monday was all about the housework and buying a few bits and pieces for starting work on 1st October. Tuesday was kind of a dead loss, Yesterday Em took off so we spent most of the day being lazy and then I jetted off to my own exclusive premier of HAlo 3.

Now listen, if you like games Halo, 3 is okay. But the way its being presented on TV is this new thing that will get everyone into games.

No.

It does what it does very well but we have seen it all before many many times before (Return to castle wolfenstein anyone?).

I had a good laugh with my gaming mates, teaming up and taking on the baddies but thats all it really was. The online play was quite fun, but we had to mute everyone that wasn't in the room with us. There only so many times you can hear yourself being described as some who has intimate relations with donkeys by a person whose testicles are yet to descend.

Anyway thats you upto speed. peace out.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

.

Dear Blog,
Sorry for not writing sooner, its been so busy what with shifting jobs, the rugby trips and having an industrial strength cold.
I will let you know all about it as soon as i can.
Love,
Me.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

long day.

Yesterday was a very, very long day. After a night of rugby, beer and random chats with Ulster fans in an all night kebab shop Sunday night I hit the hay at about 11PM only to be rudely awakened by by alarm a scant 5 hours later. Let me assure you that my blood was still rich with Brains extra cold, Donner kebab and some sweet sticky liquor that was forced upon me and into my digestive system.
 
So I boarded the train at 5AM still reeling with the bonhomie of the night before. A four hour train journey later I was ready for the longest day of work ever.
 
To say I was less than productive would be an understatement. After my lunch break they had to poke me with a stick to rouse me from my lunchtable slumber.
 
For weird reasons I had to be in the office but I made it abundantly clear that I would be in cold turkey from a weekend of joyous hedonistic experience.
 
Cardiff was, as ever, an epic experience. The streets teemed with laughter, impromptu touch rugby games and a friendliness that the soccer authorities can only dream of.
 
And I get to go back on Thursday for the Wales Japan game.
 
Hopefully my throat, red raw with singing, will have recovered by then!


This e-mail and any attachment is for authorised use by the intended recipient(s) only. It may contain proprietary material, confidential information and/or be subject to legal privilege. It should not be copied, disclosed to, retained or used by, any other party. If you are not an intended recipient then please promptly delete this e-mail and any attachment and all copies and inform the sender. Thank you.

Monday, 17 September 2007

Fiji vs Canada

So Fiji vs Canada was won by the Fijians but was eclipsed by the drinking in the pubs afterwards. Any game where standing your round with the oposition fans is more important than the result is good for you. Drunk now. Goodnight.

Sunday, 16 September 2007

travelblog: Cardiff rugby

We lost, but we lost <i>well</ì>. This is a difference thats lost on some people so i'll try and explain. There's no shame involved if your team played well, took its chances yet still were defeated by a superior side. This 'winning is all that counts' attitude does no favours to anyone. Although, over the years my country has crafted losing into some kind of artform.

It was also interesting to note the difference in the Aussie fans themselves, there were a couple in front of us who were funny erudite people enjoying the game and having a chat with us. Marvellous.

Behind us, however, lurked a different barbie of shrimp. First off he smuggled a bottle of champagne into the ground. How, I didnt want to know but he was walking kinda funny. He was the most myopic blinkered fool I may have ever met seemingly with a two phrase vocab
"Smash him!" when we've got the ball, and
"Hands!" when they have. Now Wales is my team and I back them 100%. But when a Welsh player commits a foul, it's still a foul, i dont expect them to be let off due to their Welshness! And his little nickname scheme was intriguing. Gregan became Gregan-y, Jones became Jones-y and Fortesque-Smythe became... Well you get the picture. Basically he was a soccer yob from a country without a real soccer team. Not all Austrailians are like this but its obvious to see where the unfortunate stereotype comes from.

Oh and I almost forgot! We had a minutes silence to remeber Sir Tusker-Watkins, a great servant of the Welsh game. There was 45 seconds of utter quiet and then some idiot shouted a call and a bunch of fools called back. There was shocked silence for a second or two, this sort of thing does not happen at the rugby. And then a single clear voice in a rich valleys baritone rings out, audible to 72,000 people;

"Quiet! Philistines."

Friday, 14 September 2007

Are you G.A.G.A?


Anyone remember the bulletin boards from when the net was young and so were we?
 
Remember everyone used to sign their messages G.A.G.A.?
 
Ten points to the first person that tells me what it means.
 
(And no using Google now. I'll know. I will!)

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

The small rouge one.


Had a dream about Red Dwarf last night.
 
Bizarrely I was in it then I was watching it.
 
Red Dwarf was my group of friends secret language for a couple of years, every episode was watched to the point where the tape would wear thin, dialogue was learnt and quoted precisely mannerisms aped etc etc. There were penalties for mis-quoting by even a syllable.
 
I remember one night Jane and Craig spent the entire night testing each others knowledge and depth of geek-ism.
 
All this gets away from the fact that Red Dwarf was frighteningly funny. The writing had a sharp bitter flavour, full of the pain of wasted lives and bad situations.
 
Even the 'hero' was a gross out slob whose behaviour could very, very rarely be called heroic. Surrounded by a narcissistic human descended from a Cat, A hologram of the most annoying man in the universe(dead), A senile computer and an Android that only gained pleasure from housework it was a most unlikely crew to explore the out rim of space.
 
But we loved them.
 
So go on dig out some old red dwarf and laugh yourself stupid.
 
 
 
 
Smoke me a kipper...

Monday, 10 September 2007

honeymoon,

The pictures from the honeymoon are now on my flickr account, top left.
 
And yes they are all clean, I think.



EDIT: Now also all the right way up and with captions!

Still clean though.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

rugby

Thank God for that! Wales 42 Canada 17 although the first half was very close. Celebratory beer now.
Phew.

Saturday, 8 September 2007

Sport

Professional sportsmen are normally just that. Professional. They take winning and losing on board and they understand that its not the end of the world.

Thats why most aftergame interviews are so dull "They played well we just weren't as good etc etc etc". DULL with a capital DULL.

Unless you're a Serbian Basketball player....
Note: Please do not watch THIS if you are even slightly offended by bad lanuage. This guy could make Al Swearengen embraassed

facebook

facebook is starting to make me uncomfortable. My friends and family are linked on there and that's a good thing. It lets me stay in touch with the people I care about.

However I've just had a friend request from someone I haven't spoken to in over sixteen years and have no desire to. We were friends in that way you have to be friend with some poeple at school but as soon as graduation day rolls around you're like "Phew! Thank God I never have to talk to that dozy knob-waft again!".

And then sixteen years later he wants to be your friend... Hmmmm. I'll give it a miss thanks.

The Question is 'Who else can find me?'

Friday, 7 September 2007

As a child you're told that lying is naughty and wrong and that you should never do it.
 
So then you're an adult and told that lying is part of a corporate strategy.
 
Which is true?
 

Thursday, 6 September 2007

update

100% done and 400 words under limit. Sure i can bulk it out with some 'therefores', 'meaning thats' and 'verilys'.

Well maybe not the verilys. It isn't on 14th century literature.

essays

Well ive answered roughly 65% of it.

Wait! that should read ive roughly answered 65% if I get a wriggle on tonight i might be able to have my weekend of rugby after all!!

It does mean not seeing the thursday badminton crowd who all made such an effort for our wedding but ill make it up to them next week.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Back

Back to find a mountain of post and about a gazillion thank you letters to write.

Oh, and in the post? Another essay due in by the 25th september, however due to work and family commitments I'm going to have to post it on the 19th. thats right, I have a fortnight to create the perfect 5000 word essay and post it out.

Its at times like this that I hate Michael Moorcock who'd consider less than 25000 words a 'slow' day.



(Edit: And I do not begrudge the thank you letters one jot, there are a great many people who am I espically grateful to, and the only way to really express that thanks is to send a letter.)

Sunday, 2 September 2007

travelblog

Got a touch drunk last night so suffered this morning. Took a walk around the canal which runs for a mile and a half stretch underground through the busiest parts of Paris. There's so much of this city thats hidden, the metro, the canal, the catacombs. Whats on the surface is just for show, the beating heart of Paris is there, you just need to search a bit harder to find it.

Saturday, 1 September 2007

travelblog

So you gamble. You stake everything on the next song to play on the jukebox. If it's great you stay, if it's shite you go home.

And "She sells sanctuary" by The Cult comes on.

I tell you, some nights the Gods are on your side.

(If you dont know the song buy it on itunes. If you hate it I will refund you.)

travelblog : drinking with ones wife in Paris.

Please note, some Frenchmen take it as a point of honour to try and chat up ones wife RIGHT IN FRONT OF ONE.

Also, slapping them down and shouting "Agincourt, bitch!" is frowned upon.

travelblog : Napoleons Tomb

Napoleons Tomb is crass and dreadful. Its a gaudy attempt to deify a mortal man through the use of marble and gold. Its the kind of place Michael Jackson or Paris Hilton would love to be interred. The self grandising is sickening with no hint of restraint or humility.

The rest of La invalidies museum is wonderful with an excellent collection of arms and armour and a genuinally moving 1st and 2nd world war display.

Just avoid the tat-fest that they've erected to one of their greatest leaders. I nearly vomited.

travelblog

lourve: overrated
musee de Orsay: awesome
eiffel tower:nice place for a picnic
rue de mofftard:nice place to buy the ingrediants for a picnic
place de innocents: where all the cool kids hang out
st michel:where all the touroids accumulate

Friday, 31 August 2007

travelblog : Chess

Walking through the park I encounter a sport I havent seen since New York, Full Contact Chess. The force with which they slam the timer down they may as well be slapping each others faces. Every move is a defiant challenge,'Come on then!!'

I play chess by email very irregularly and I really enjoy it but watching these guys play with guts and vitality makes me want to grab a board and take the world on!

Thursday, 30 August 2007

travelblog : sacre Couer at 6 in the morning.

Last night after a couple of bottles of vin rouge, getting up at 5.30 to visit the best view of the city seemed like a genius idea.
This morning however it was of course a different story. Its a testament to how incredible the vista and experience was that it was totally worth it.
We had the whole place to ourselves and watched the first pink tendrills of dawn snake across the dark parisian sky.


...and then the first busload of touroids arrived. Now I appricate the fact I too am a tourist. But the difference is in attitude embracing the cultural variations. For instance either enjoying the cities multitude of inexpensive cafes and bars or bringing a thermos.

Travelblog : Shakespeare and Company

There is a shop by the side of the Seine unlike the tat shops and fine cafe bars around it. It's a book shop in the same way the Hundred years war was 'a bit of a kerfuffle'.
The sheer weight of the volumes chaotitcally arranged in this tiny two story house has bent the fabric of reality around it. I believe its the closest thing to the library in the Unseen University. No Orangutangs though.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Travelblog : Eiffel and his tower.

The tower itself is magnificent. Only built to stand for a handfull of years its a testament to its design that not only is it still standing but it has become the symbol of the great city it adorns.

Its powerfull attraction extends to the pigeons and beggars that swarm around like flies on ... well.

Some beggar tried to involve us in some sort of scam involving a gold ring. No idea what mind you, as we just gave her a quick 'Non merci' and away we went.

Right, time for a nap and then its out to Quai St Michel for dinner and beer.

Travelblog : La Defense

La Defense is what Albert Speer would have created had he had the luck to have been born French not German. Its a triumph of imposing ones will on the landscape and however impressive is understandably harsh and cold because of it.

travelblog : Escargot because you gotta!

Snails. We step on them, the French eat 'em. quel difference. However as an intrepid explorer I feel it is my duty to try these things so one plate of Escargots de Bourgogne en Coquille was duly ordered. The waiter presents you with a set of cutlery that looks like a pair of eyelash curlers and a minature pitchfork for a tiny devil.
Then the snails arrive in their shell and I remeber what en Coquille means.
The eyelash curlers are used to hold the shell firm whilst the pitchfork digs out the encephaloid (sp) that has been roundly basted with butter aux fin herb.
How does it taste? A bit like garlicy chewing gum, that is to say, delicious.

Took a stroll by the seine after dinner just soaking in the atmosphere. There's something special and different about being IN Paris. Espically on lune de miel!

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

travelblog: Paris

Paris doesnt change, its as dirty, noisy and wonderful as it ever was. Even during the seige of Paris during the Franco Prussian war the joy de vive (sp) was present right up to when the Zoo shot all the animals for food. Its unusual though, the French being notoriously un-sentimental about animals. This is one of the few places the idle phrase "Im so hungry I could eat a horse." could be taken to its uncomfortable conclusion.

Arrived about an hour ago, just off for a beer and then food. Not Cheval though!

travelblog: leg room

Upgrade to front row seats for two - £25.
Worth. Every. Penny.
Yay for honeymoon!

travelblog: Manchester airport

Airport bookshops are designed for people who dont actually like books. Their premium placing shelves are given over to such delights as; Inside Manchesters Gangs and Killer - Mind Of A Murderer. Books that most biblophiles wouldnt give the time of day to. It says something when all the bookshops offer is violence and all the newsagents stock are magazines with breasts on the cover. No wonder people get airrage when thats the only literature they see.

Monday, 27 August 2007



I've started and discarded six posts so far.


I am unable yet to sum up how I feel about what was possibly the best day of my life. I keep getting side tracked and getting a little over-emotional.

The warmth and generosity of our friends and family is truly overwhelming. Simply thank you is not enough. But while you're all waiting for your bouquet or troop of dancing monkeys, take a quick peak at the flickr tag on the top left. The only photos there are the ones I snapped using my phone so I'll put the good ones up when I'm back from Paris.

Its just been the most amazing and marvellous couple of days.

I am/we are so lucky.

married!

Very very happy! Will update when things slow down.

Friday, 24 August 2007

Helsie n Dave.

Helen and Dave are one of those couples that are so suited together that it can induce nausea in those not likewise similarly enamoured.

Their wedding was wonderful but in someways merely a formality. Anyone that knows them knows their commitment to each other is total and having a ring on their fingers is just the official seal on a romance nine years strong and counting.

That said the wedding itself was planned and executed brilliantly with pimms, ice cream and jazz awaiting the guests emerging from the cozy church into the blazing sun.

From there it was onto the reception that was majestically held in the Hawkshead Brewery. I had such a great time, met some fantastic people and got reaquainted with some old friends.

Helen looked devine and Dave wasn't too bad either!

And now its emsys and my turn. Arrrrggghhh!

  BELFAST 22/03/2024-25/03/2024 Another trip to the Emerald Isle, this time with the express purpose of visiting the Titanic Museum located ...